My Dirty Little Secret

Carol's progress

2012-01-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe you'll recall the uncomfortable meeting we had with Carol's teacher during parent-teacher conferences in October. At that time, she said she'd like to meet with us again after the new year.

So we e-mailed her and she was like, "Oh yeah. Sure. Come in."

And it was good news. Great even. Carol is doing so much better academically. When she started the year, she was reading at an early first grade level. Now, she's reading at a third grade level. I feel crappy about this, because I've always read to her and read with her, but I guess I won't dwell on my own issues (at least not right here, right now, on this blog).

Steve said the progress was so great, he wasn't even sure they were going to request a follow-up meeting. Way to go, Carol!

She still has some issues with self-control and impulsive behavior, but she's made friends and seems to have blended well into this group of students, many who have know each other since they started preschool together as 3 year olds. And it's for sure not perfect, but it is so much better.

What's awesome about night nursing?

2012-01-24T07:44:00.001-08:00

And also a huge pain in the ass?

It's planning on working a 12-hour shift, so I sleep four hours during the day. Then getting called off and sleeping another hour in preparation for an 8-hour shift. And then getting called off and sleeping all night.

That's right folks. That's 13 hours of sleep. There goes my life.

But I feel awesome!

The Crier

2012-01-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

Sort of like The Thinker, but with less nobility. It's like when I was a new parent, all self-critical and self-depreciating. Only, now it's happening in the workplace and I'm almost 40 years old. Hooray!

Work has been hard lately. And not hard in the way all-work-is-hard kind of way. Hard in that soul-sucking kind of way that leads to tears and self doubt. Lots of tears. Tears that flow in shower or into whatever dinner I happen to be making. Tears that flow freely upon the iPhone.

And there's no better time for all these feeling to reach their peak than during the annual review.

When my very sweet boss says to me, "So, can you believe it! You've been a nurse for a year!" and I look at her and begin openly weeping, one can conclude that the meeting isn't off to a great start.

About halfway through, she manages to tell me that crying is OK. I remind her that crying in the car is maybe OK. Or in a locked bathroom. It is no way OK to sob during the annual review.

Being a new nurse is hard. And it's extra hard when you are scheduled 5 night a week and when you have to attend quarterly meetings and when the day nurses take every opportunity to tell you how shitty a person you are. And sleeping 4 hours in a 40 hour stretch can take its toll.

Now I'm forced to contemplate changing jobs. This sucks because I finally know where all the rooms are and where they keep the emesis basins (puke tubs). But while emailing a former classmate, I learned that not ALL day nurses are bitches! What!!!

For now, I have finally come to the conclusion that it isn't all me. That I'm not a horrible nurse (my boss even said this as I cried upon the papers that state clearly I'm doing a great job) and that sometimes, you have to re-evaluate your first choices because they're not all going to be winners.

Long weekend

2012-01-16T17:07:00.001-08:00

Had a great long weekend with the family. Made pizzas. Took a day trip to Chicago. Cleaned the basement. Woohoo!

But my favorite part was the sledding. By far. Even though I think I broke my thumb, sledding is still the most fun a mom can have on a long, January weekend.

Secrets

2012-01-14T10:25:00.001-08:00

Come children. Gather round. Watch as our all-time favorite blogger sticks her foot in her mouth. What's that? You've seen that one already?

When I said the people I work with are unhappy, what I meant to say was, there are some people working on 6 West that are not all that pleasant, but those people in NO WAY indicates Kathy Reynolds. No way... In fact, most of the people at work during the night are very pleasant, happy people. Especially Kathy Reynolds. But even most of the others.

(I had no idea people at work actually read my blog... )

On to other stuff. The other day, Carol was blathering on about vandalism in the locker rooms when the topic of secrets came up. From the backseat, a quiet, ominous voice said...

"We all have secrets. I (pause for dramatic effect) have secrets."

Oh Penny. If I had known the things you know at 6 years old (or maybe even 26 years old), I could have ruled the world. As it is, I have to settle working with extremely fun, entertaining, happy people.

Especially Kathy Reynolds.

Young love

2012-01-08T12:43:00.001-08:00

His name is Mario. And I know more about him than I'd like to admit.

Resolving to resolve more

2012-01-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

I have one more New Year's resolution to my list. I'm resolving to write more neatly. This might seem like a small thing, but I recently decided my signature looked like something a 7-year-old might do, and not the neatest of 7-year-olds.

Also, I think my goals at work need to be a little more fully explored this year. Sure, tidy penmanship is a good place to start, but as someone who took 62 credit hours in one year and became a registered nurse, with a bachelor degree no less, perhaps I should be considering some longer-term goals.

This all came around after I looked at how unambitious my New Year's resolutions were. And then, I had to do a self-evaluation at work and it because clear that I really had no goals. I've been thinking about this a lot, and wondering where I should go from here. There are no easy answers to this. The things I want accomplish likely will mean a applying for a new job, a task I really, really, really don't want to do, mostly because it seems like it would require a lot of work.

My main goal is to work days. Working nights sucks. Sucks big time. Barring that, I want to work with the critically ill. At my current job, I thought I'd be able to move to days within 2 years. Staffing changes have made that possibility slimmer and slimmer. So what's a nurse to do? Just wait in a job that has horrible hours and some other unpleasantness (people where I work typically don't seem like a super happy bunch), or try for something new after only a year.

It's a pickle. And the worst part is I'm starting this job much too late in life. There are a lot of downsides to a second career. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a nurse and I'm so happy I went back to school, but I just don't have as much time to build a career. Also, I don' t have the flexibility (or stamina) as a 22-year-old nurse without a family.

And why am I writing all this? Because I'm resolving to write more about what going back to nursing school as a mid-30s mom means. For instance, it means I'll never wear this to work...

Bummer. I know.

But it also means I was able to have two careers that I loved. And that I can bring some of my past experiences to my job. And it means that even if I'm chronically tired and slower than my new-nurse co-workers, my life is full from top to bottom. That's awesome, I think....

"2012 Best List Ever" list

2012-01-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

So, not the best list ever. Just want to be clear about that.

I have little ambition these days. I want to do a good job at work, spend as much time with my family as possible, sleep in a bed at night on the days I don't work and not spend ALL my free time attempting to either clean and/or organize something. These are not really resolutions. More like wants and needs.

I've set my expectations pretty low this year. So here goes:

1. Quit Facebook. I think I've said what I needed to say on the subject.

2. Organize one room in the house every month this year. This is a joint resolution with Steve (Carol seemed pretty interested too). We just have a lot of crap, so we are attempting to purge. The first room, our back room in the basement, is the largest project so we're going to tackle that one first, on Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. Because Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted it that way.

3. I will run at least one race longer than a 5K. My two half marathon resolution of 2011 showed me the importance of reaching a little lower than the stars. Instead, I'll settle with trying to swipe the ceiling with my fingertips.

4. I will try to read the paper every day. I will really, really try.

5. I will remember to bring cloth bags to the grocery store.

5. I will try to relax.

And that's it folks. No foreign languages. No advanced degrees. No exercise classes or knitting lessons. Basically, I just want this year to be an improved edition of last year, because last year wasn't so bad, even with the failure.

And, just FYI, this is what a 38-year-old woman looks like after being awake for 26 hours. I know, I know. Don't everybody propose all at once.

House husband

2011-12-29T16:18:00.001-08:00

My husband, who let me sleep until 4 pm, took the kids to the playground and let me sleep for 7 straight hours, also made dinner. And this is why I need a house husband, because I've become accustomed to this life.

This is Texas chili from Epicurious. It's sort of like chili stew with a side of beans and rice. Fantastic.

A new chance at failure

2011-12-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't feel bad. Really I shouldn't. I had a solid run.

For about 3 years in a row, I was master of New Year's resolution list. I not only accomplished things on my list (rejoining the Catholic church, running a half marathon), I did things AHEAD of time (got into nursing school, beetchees). So, when I accomplished just one thing from the 2011 list, I shouldn't let that make me into a complete failure. Some people don't even have the energy to make a list, much less check things off that theoretical list. And passing the NCLEX, the one thing I actually did, was a biggie.

Still, I can't help but think 2012 will be better. Bigger and better, with less failure.

I have not yet completed the 2012 "Best List Ever" list, but I am definitely (almost definitely) doing one thing... I'm getting off the Facebook. That horse has been ridden to death and I think it's time. I'm not actually going to post this on Facebook, because it's one of those things people threaten to do, but then don't do after many FB friends, some I sure I've never actually met in person, state what a sad day it would be to never read about my adorable, relevant little updates.

A sad day indeed. And while I'm happy to be rid of this time-waster, I do feel like some people might take my departure as a personal affront to our deep and meaningful friendship. People I haven't see in more than a decade will feel let down by my sudden absence.

The truth is, I feel kind of bad about it. It's like a breakup, because, let's be honest here, I am sort of ditching the acquaintance friends of my life. High school chums. Old work buddies. College pals. Sorry. I do feel bad that I'll no longer be able to creep on your kids, or find out what you like to eat for breakfast, but we all knew this day was coming. And I'm pretty sure I won't be the only one heading for a FB-free life.

So here's to a 2012 free of failure. And if I do fail, at least I won't feel obligated to post it on Facebook.

Penny's 6

2011-12-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

Well, she was 6, like, a month ago. But here's her birthday pictures now. Live with it.

Halloween

2011-10-31T19:49:00.001-07:00

The girls and I have been planning for this day for months. That's not a lie or an exaggeration, but it is sorta sad. We decided to go as The Powerpuff Girls, the girls' absolute favorite show of all time. And, truth be told, I love it too. Three cutie pie sisters who kick serious villain ass, all with the best theme song of all time.
Anyway, we've been planning our costumes since July. And even though there was much discussion, there were holes in our plan. For instance, the dark-haired child probably shouldn't have been the blonde Bubbles. And the light haired child shouldn't have been the black-haired Buttercup. And they don't make green dresses for little girls. And, honestly, I'm not sure why a 38-year-old woman thought she could pull off a kindergarten-aged character. I always get a little crazy at Halloween.

Well, it wasn't a hit. But it wasn't a bust either. The girls already decided they want to be scary things next year. And the year after that they'll probably want to be he same thing as their friends. And then, I'm sure I'll have years and years of slutty Halloween costumes to battle. So this year we were sisters. Triplets. And we were just in time.

P-T conferences

2011-10-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

I experienced the full range of emotions for this year's parent teacher conferences. First off, the scheduling for these meetings was impossible for a mom who works the night shift and gets roughly 8 solid hours of sleep each week. I had to wake up early and the meetings went like a little something like this:

Roll out of bed. Forget to brush teeth. Try NOT to look like a drug addict while nodding in agreement to everything. Apologize because it's difficulty to remember what grade your child is in.

The first meeting was with Penny's teacher. It went a little something like this:

Penny is wonderful. She is top of her class. She has many friends and she's very nice. She dresses great. She is very enthusiastic. Have you seen this artwork? How about this story she wrote? Where does she get her hair done?

Oh please... I am so rolling my eyes. I thank her teacher and try not to breath in her direction.

The second meeting was with Carol's teacher. It began a little something like this:

Do you mind if the school psychologist sits in on this meeting?

I'll go ahead and end that story there.

My pediatrician once told me not to compare my children. This is an impossible task because it's difficult not to say, "Why can't you be more like your sister and NOT get the psychologist involved?" But children are different and they bring a wide range of traits to the tiny table where parents sit to meet with their child's teacher. I really am grateful that my children are receiving the help they need, or the praise they deserve, at this new, wonderful school.

And thank goodness that's over until next year!

Rememberable mistakes

2011-09-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

Remember that time, when you were a kid, when you're parents forgot to pick you up from practice. Or maybe, you had a class project they were supposed to help you with, but they forgot at the last minute and you ended up with some pasta glued to a poster board.

Steve remembers when his parents signed him up for soccer, only they didn't get him shin guards or cleats. He ended up shoving sticks in his socks.

Well, bad parenting moments have darkened our doorsteps this week. For sure.

While I forgot to give Penny her allergy medicine and forgotten to pack her snack, the worst lapse definitely was handed to Carol. We missed her soccer photos.

Yep. Sent Steve to the wrong field. By the time he got to the right field, you guessed it, pictures were over. So now, she'll have a bunch of solo soccer pictures, and a group picture without her. Awesome. Proof of our folly.

The week has pretty much gone like that. We decided to buy a white board so we can have a communal list of things that need to get accomplished. Hopefully this helps. Otherwise, we will continue to be the Keystone Cops of Metcalf families, tripping over our untied shoelaces while we race to whatever activity we happen to be late for.

The limit

2011-09-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

I have been trying for years to extend myself beyond my capabilities and, I'm happy to report, I've succeeded at last.

Finally, I have come to the point where I can no longer add another activity to the roster. I can learn no new information. I cannot lose that last six pounds that keeps me overweight, BMI-inly speaking.

I am spent. Sure, the kids are out playing (aka, screaming) with the neighbors right now as I type away on this blog and they are in school for most of the day. Gone are the days of 15-minute stretches of toddler activity like block building and whatever other boring games parents play with their kids. But, for whatever reason, the working and running around required of school-aged children has presented a whole new set of challenges. And just when I had gotten the swing of things.

And here is why:

1) Night shift. I am always exhausted. Always. I don't remember the last time I felt great. I view Red Bull as a new food group. And I no longer sleep. I merely nap.

Today, I needed to pick Penny up from school at 1 p.m. I woke up at 1:00 p.m., on the nose. I was out the door and in line to get her at 1:05, and she didn't even know I was late. Or panicky. She did notice I still had a tag on my new shirt.

2) The minivan culture. I am constantly driving to pick somebody up or drop them off. I really am beginning to understand the sweatpants revolution. Why would you want to put on real pants when you never leave your car?

3) The scheduling. My calendar makes my head hurt. We have a color-coded, online calendar that send alerts about daily activities. And yet, I still was 10 minutes late from picking up Penny from her assessment this week. (What is it with forgetting Penny? Oh, and she's back to Penny, btw.)

4) Exhaustion. This deserves it's own category. Kids need to be out the door in the morning by 7:30. They have homework and activities and Barbie playtime, which means bedtime is rarely earlier than 8. I like to nap (see above) until 9. Then there are dishes to put away, lunches to pack, clothes to lay out, coffee to drink, schedules to check, etc., etc. Just so we can get up and start it all again tomorrow.

I'll end here, mostly because I'm too tired to go on. Today, as I was driving the girls home, Katy Perry's "Firework" came on the radio. It's the girls' favorite song, so sat in the driveway and sang it at the top of our lungs. Or, I tried to sing it. I was getting so weepy and emotional that my voices was cracking at the "Boom, Boom, Boom," part. That is what exhaustion does to a person. It makes Katy Perry deep.

This is my life. Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon. (sniff, sniff)

Vacation

2011-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have very little time to blog these days. Between work, meetings, soccer practice and carting the kids back and forth to school each day, it seems I barely have time for the really important things in life. Like drinking wine.

But here's a little sample of vacation. The beach was beautiful. The guest house was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. My father-in-law was... well... let's just say he was there.

But the pictures, as you can see, are beautiful!

Hypochondriac

2011-08-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

Carol, normally a very brave and oblivious little girl, has recently become very sensitive to ouchies. Her elbow hurts. Her cries are out of proportion with her injury. She has vague aches and pains.

The other day she said her ear hurt. Well, I stuck my finger in it to see if it was really true, just like a good mom. The pain, thankfully, was not on the inside. It was the lobe.

I asked her what she thought it was.

"I don't know," she snapped. "You're the nurse."

Ahhhh. Attitude. I've been waiting for you to arrive.

More than a month

2011-08-09T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well, this has to be a new record. I blame the "Post it NOW!" culture of iPhones and Facebook on my neglect of this blog, but we all know whose lazy fault this is.

It's been a busy summer. The kids are getting so much older and work is ever present in our lives. We've spent a lot of time at the pool this summer, but we've also had a lot of guests who have been kind enough to visit this house of madness.

So, rather than go into very long, probably boring detail about the awesomeness of summer, here are some pictures. Because, really, I'm not so much great writer now. Use it or lose it. Well, consider me lost.

Pictures of my kids

2011-06-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Because they are so frickin' cute.

Moving on

2011-06-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm once again forced to address the concept of this blog. First, I wrote about staying at home with my kids. Then about nursing school. I'm not sure what my Dirty Little Secret has become. Maybe that I work really hard and then come home and and work really hard and then I sleep for at least four hours. No. That's not a secret. I'm constantly reminding my family of this.

Anyway, while I try to come up with the next focus of my life, other than my life, I'll retire last year's secret.

My Dirty Little Secret

It's my family's clothes. I'm headed back to school for a nursing degree through an accelerated bachelor program at Illinois State University. I'm pretty sure taking 62 credit hours in a single year will result in my family wearing dirty clothes. In a dirty house. With dirty faces.

2011 Resolutions – fail

2011-06-25T13:34:00.002-07:00

I was gently reminded yesterday (thanks Monica) that my New Year's resolution list is a complete failure. Oh, I passed NCLEX, but that's pretty much where it ended. In my defense, I've been sorta busy and ambitious the last few years. I think it's probably OK to slack off a bit. Well, at least that's what I tell myself.

But let's take a little look at the list and where things went wrong.

1. Pass NCLEX!!!! A must-do. Done and done. Lookin' good!

2. Join a gym and train for at least 1 half marathon. Maybe two. Yes, let's say two. Fail. There's a pretty good chance I couldn't run a 5K right now, much less a half marathon. Let's continue.

3. Lose at least 10 pounds. I need to lose 20, but I'll take 10. Also, drink one glass of milk every day. Fail. I actually am losing a little bit of weight, due mostly to the fact that I stopped drinking during the week because it's frowned upon, and probably illegal, to go to work drunk. You'd think I could stick to the milk thing, but also fail.

4. Try to read the entire A section of the paper every day. Fail

5. Blog more, Facebook less. Double fail. Maybe triple fail. Facebook was once described to me like a soft addiction. Sort of like soft-core porn but less useful.

6. Be more patient with Carolyn. Fail.

7. Go to the dentist once this year and floss daily. Fail.

8. Get more involved in either church or the schools. Volunteer more. Fail.

9. Join a CSA this summer. Fail, but failed with effort. I tried to join one, but Lil' Brat, my in-law's dog, tried to attack the farm dogs at the CSA farm and instead of a CSA, I brought home $100 in paint damage to my in-law's car.

10. Try and be a more loving wife. After this last year, Lord knows, Steve deserves it. You'd need to get Steve's opinion on this, but I'd say fail. Turns out, changing core aspects of a personality is hard work. A bitch is a bitch, whether she's in a one-year accelerated nursing program or hanging out at home.

The better parent

2011-06-13T07:35:00.001-07:00

I'm at the park right now. To my right, Penny practices t-ball. To my left, Carol (she's decided she's Carol now, not Carolyn) is at tennis.

Last week when steve brought them, and it was about 85 degrees at 9 a.m., he watched helplessly as all the other kids went for their water bottles and Penny stood there, parched and alone. This was not to be my fate, as I'm the better parent. You know, the one with the water bottles and the iPhone who occasionally lifts her head and gives a quick wave.

So summer is really here. It's only a shame j have this pesky job getting in the way of my life. Only, not today.

Penelope

2011-05-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

Penny decided she doesn't want to be Penny anymore. She wants to be Penelope.

She's worth more than a Penny, she says.

Picnic

2011-05-27T06:44:00.001-07:00

Carolyn and Penny had their class picnics at the same park this year. Penny's on Tuesday and Carolyn's on Thursday. Turns out, in true form to the bad luck surrounding Carolyn's first-grade experience, Thursday was the only day this week that was super crappy. Rain. In the 50s. Yuck.

And also an accurate portrayal of Penny's Pre-K experience, Tuesday was lovely. I **heart** every one of those tiny students. I haven't been around much this year, yet I know all of them by name and a little bit about their developing personalities. I know Penny's teachers love their jobs and they love our children.

I just wish I could say the same things about Carolyn's class. The difference makes me sort of sad, but this picture makes me happy.

iPhone

2011-05-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I recently got an iPhone, so I'm pretty brain dead at the moment. I spend most of my time setting stuff up and checking stuff.

Occasionally, I do stuff.

Not real life stuff. iPhone stuff. Because no way did I shower today. But I have started taking a lot of pictures. Like the neighbor's Slip and Slide.

Or the girls at the Children's Museum.
Or the girls at the Coffeehouse.

And I even have a little story.

Steve has this really annoying joke. If I say I like a song, he says, "I wrote it." If I say I like a shirt, he says, "I made it." If I say I like asparagus, he says, "I invented asparagus."

So you get it, right. Annoying.

The other day, the Sting song "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" came on Pandora. Steve mentions that it's sort of our song, to which Penny perfectly states: "Good thing I wrote that."

Well played Penny. Well played.

And one more thing. High speed rail is being built in Normal. Yay...

Self portrait

2011-05-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

Fun at 5

2011-05-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, after I called the girls in for dinner, Penny asked if she could go back out to play after she was done. I told her probably no. I thought it was going to storm.

"Oh yeah. I knew it was going to storm," she said.

Yeah? How's that?

"I read about it in the newspaper."

Penny and her buds at the park today.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

For Mother's Day, the girls woke me up at 6 a.m. Carolyn made me a breakfast of Cheerio's, yogurt, milk and a cookie. She watched to make sure I ate every bite.

The cards were nice. The flowers were nice. Chocolates? Yes. Very nice. But my favorite part of Mother's Day was spending some time with the girls, doing what we love to do.

For Carolyn, this was a 3 mile bike ride while I ran behind her. It was a lovely day as we ran/biked along the trail. We ended up at the playground where Steve had packed a picnic lunch.

Later, Penny and I went shopping. We bought some gifts. I bought some shirts. She got a shirt. I took a picture with her and a mannequin she thought was especially beautiful.

The day was not all sunshine. Residual exhaustion, coupled with a few too-strong margaritas, left me feeling a bit defeated. But we are left with these images to remember this Mother's Day. And even a song from Penny's Sunday school class. See how cute...

Ahhh... Metcalf

2011-05-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

The Metcalf transition is one of the best things that's happened to our family in a while. And this is a family that has had a streak of good luck lasting well over two years. Here's why

Reason 1: Bullies. Carolyn has fallen victim to some very mean little girls. It's probably been going on most of the year, but Carolyn has hidden it from us. I happened to catch a piece of it the other day and was ready to call the superintendent from the complete lack of teacher supervision at that $^&*#$%% school. Apparently, the name Carolyn has become synonymous with cootie, and that is not acceptable.

After really talking about it this weekend, Carolyn convinced us that she will take care of it herself, because, in her words, "It's almost over and I'm going to Metcalf next year." Poor kid. And I think it's working. We worked on some anti-bully strategies and I think it might be helping.

I'm not so naive to think that bullies don't exist at fancy shmancy schools, I just hope the staff cares enough to try and stop it.

Reason 2: Pets in the classroom. Fairview does not allow such frivolous luxuries as hamsters, turtles or fish. Presumably, the administration is more concerned with ignoring bullies. Carolyn is pet crazy, so yeah for pets!

Reason 3: The playground. Fairview students are made to stand in straight lines while waiting for school to begin. For a first grader, 20 minutes standing in a straight line can be a long time. Do you know what they do to pass the time? You got it. They bully. Metcalf allows the students to play on the playground, or in the gym, until it's time to walk to class.

Reason 4: Drama. Carolyn will have drama class once a week.

Reason 5: Parents. The parents at Metcalf seem super friendly. I have been pretty absent this year because of school, the new job and working nights. But now that I'm getting more involved, and I'll have TWO kids at Metcalf, I feel like I'm being welcomed openly. The other day at Fairview (That's Fairview Elementary School in Normal IL), I tried to make small talk with this other mom who I know works at the same hospital I work. I say, "So, what department do you work in again?" She says, "OR," and walks away from me.

I'll stop writing now, as this is getting boring (They grow vegetables that they use in the school salad bar. The teachers blog weekly about what's happening in the classroom. They have a pool! OK, NOW I'll stop...) but I am so happy for this little life in Normal. Here's a picture of Penny with a classmate after their recent preschool performance. At Metcalf. Ahhhh.

Quick news

2011-04-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

This will be fast for several reason, which I will outline here in great detail. Ha! I kid. I kid. I am on my way to a 12-hour overnight work shift in about five minutes, so I'll just come out and say it.

Carolyn got into Metcalf, which is a public laboratory school run by Illinois State U. that is... the bomb! This means Carolyn and Penny will both be attending the SAME school next year. All day. I can't believe how big they've gotten. I can't believe how big we've all gotten, mostly figuratively and only a little bit literally.

We will tour next week, so I'll point out all the awesomeness of this event soon. Now, off to work where, hopefully, my sick patients will only march in the direction of wellness.

The Otter and the Octopus

2011-04-18T18:29:00.001-07:00

Let me just say, this has not been my finest week. I'm stressed out, pissed off and generally in a pretty foul mood. And Penny, a quite extraordinary child, sensed this about me and either a) discovered empathy or b) used this moment of weakness to her advantage.

At the library last week, she created the puppet show, "The Otter and the Octopus."

Turns out, Mrs. Octopus works nights. Poor Mrs. Octopus was sleepy and no fun during the day, and of course she was gone at night. Her three octopus babies were left to fend for themselves as their tired, neglectful mother ran off to earn a living in some frivolous night-shift type career such as, um... nursing? Or maybe prostitution?

So the tired mother runs off and leaves her babies alone. Later, the otter comes around and sees the babies. The otter decides it might be a good idea to take one. After all, they are motherless and alone.

Later, the tired Mrs. Octopus mom returns to find a baby missing. While this is very sad, the mother is tired and in need of some sleep. So she cuts her losses and drifts into an unsatisfactory morning nap.

I finally have to stop Penny after mom heads to work again and a bat is perched on the nursery door.

Penny, who will grow up to an actress, an artist, a doctor or a con artist, is so fun and interesting to be around, when she's not making me feel bad. Here's a fun Sunday picture. The girls LOVE Sunday mass, mostly because it affords them an opportunity to dress up. With accessories! Oh yeah, they love Jesus and all, but it's mostly about the clothes. And the shoes.

Math whiz

2011-04-07T14:59:00.001-07:00

Please excuse this short, picture-free blog entry, but I needed to show a bit of Carolyn pride and the obvious outlet (the F-place) is off limits for Lent.

Carolyn just passed her first timed math test. What is so cool about it is there are two boys in the class that passed on the first or second try. Carolyn, who did not pass on the first of second try, spent all week working on her addition and doing practice drills until she was the next person to pass. I love that her trying hard paid off. I was way more proud than if she had just passed without thinking about it.

Also, just because I'm sleep deprived from a single night shift, I want to let everybody know that you shouldn't write checks at 2 a.m. that your ass can't cash. Sure, I e-mailed Steve, I'll be home in plenty of time to help you get the girls off to school. No problem. It's sort of funny the things you think you're capable of doing at 2 a.m. This night thing is sure going to be interesting.

2:22 a.m.

2011-04-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

I begin my new life as a night nurse tomorrow. In preparation, I got up at 1 a.m. so that I would be tired enough to sleep during the day. And, surprise, surprise, the middle of the night is super boring.

How about a blog update?

Carolyn. Well, she's learning all sorts of big kid stuff. Her and Steve spent the entire 30 miles to Peoria deciphering road signs and mile markers. She's working on timed math tests and doing book reports. She argues with everything I say without fail. For instance, tonight I told her she can stay up late reading because she has late start tomorrow at school so she can sleep in a bit. Her light was off almost instantly.

We ended up dropping out of girl scouts. It was a pretty sad decision. Carolyn loves it but the group was poorly organized and really hasn't done anything other than gather the girls to run around the gym in the last seven months. It probably wasn't the best decision to stop going, but I just couldn't waste our time with it anymore. I'm a worrier with Carolyn. I think every decision I make will impact the future course of her life. With Penny, I just sort of go with the flow. Oh, it's a real curse to be the first child.

Oh, and here's Carolyn with her new bike helmet. If only it would get warm enough to ride.

Penny, on the other hand, is having a lovely time being Penny. She likes coloring and drawing for hours. She's enjoys an active social life with her classmates and at the babysitters. And who the hell knows how she's doing in dance class. I'm too busy with Carolyn, practicing timed addition test drills. Oh, the tragedy of the poor, ignored second child.

Still, she's having fun doing all the things we like to do. Hanging out at the park, for instance.

A day away

2011-03-21T06:24:00.001-07:00

Steve and I don't get out much. We haven't been away from the kids (together) in about six years. Well. I guess we did go away for my dad's memorial service a couple of years ago, but I don't like to count that.

We went to Chicago for the night and it was AWESOME! We ate great food, did lots of shopping and stayed in a super nice hotel. I rode in a BMW for the first time. We saw a play and ate at an empty Thai restaurant at 11 p.m. and saw about 30 minutes of the band Yes in concert. It's so nice that the kids are little older now, because I totally didn't worry about them like I would have a few years ago.

Steve was having an especially good weekend, what with all the gay men checking him out. Some dude at Banana Republic asked Steve, "So, you shop here often?" And this other guy at the Ralph Lauren bar, who was quite intoxicated, just couldn't keep his hands off Steve.

But he was nice enough to take the awesome picture of us and to buy me some Italian sparkling wine. See how happy sparkly stuff makes me! Oh, and Steve. Steve makes me happy too!

Nurse Chris

2011-03-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I had been posting more lately. It's just so darn busy all the time. I ran into a mom I knew and she was asking if it was becoming less overwhelming.

Overwhelming? Did I say that?

Absolutely I (probably) did. And it still is at times. There are days when I wonder how one person can humanly do the amount of work that is required. But as I progress forward, the days become easier. Some days are monsters. Some days are great.

But there is one thing for sure - I love my job. I absolutely love the patients, even the not-so-great ones. I love assessing and making sure everything is going as it should be. I love talking to them.

The doctors and the charting and the communication is still a challenge, but it's coming together.

So, I should try to blog more. Write more. Chart more. Because it's looking back on the record that helps me to remember how far I've come.

Oh... and the girls are great. Just in case you were wondering.

Harmony

2011-03-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Apparently, today kicks off tornado awareness week. Or month. Or season. Something like that. Steve told me about it and I was too lazy to look it up.

But today, our family had a "moment" without even realizing it.

It started when Penny told us she had a "grill," at school today. You know, a tornado grill...

Ah yes. Carolyn had one too. In her grill/drill, she had to sit silently in the hallway and put a book over her head. This clears up the statement she made earlier today about her head being the most important part of her body. Doctors can fix a broken leg, she said, but they have a really hard time fixing heads.

I agreed, that is difficult.

In Penny's grill/drill, she had to stand in the hallway facing her cubby. I guess they weren't as concerned with heads there.

I even had a drill at the hospital. A lady came over the loudspeaker and said, "This is a tornado watch drill. This is a tornado watch drill." And then everybody continued about their day.

Because today is the first Tuesday of the month, Steve heard the the monthly siren on his way to work and also heard a broadcast alert on the radio. This was not as organized as the rest of the family's grill/drill stories, but it was still nice he got to be included.

So, over dinner, we learned that we all sort of had a similar experience today. And after a long day away, it was nice to talk about what happened. Even if it was only a grill.

Ughhhhhh...

2011-02-24T16:23:00.000-08:00

It didn't start as an experiment. Honest to goodness, we just forgot to get Carolyn a flu shot. Well, maybe not so much "forgot," as "meant to get around to it but then put it off until flu season hit and then sorta figured it was too late."
So, Carolyn never got a flu shot. And then she went ahead and got the flu.
But, the other three people who live in this house did have a flu shot. So, deep down, we know it's kind of important. And yet....
Guess what...
Penny has the flu too.
They are so sick. Poor Carolyn has run a fever for five days. When the doctor came into the room, she was immediately concerned with Carolyn's appearance. Now we're getting worried about dehydration and pneumonia. And this is with our hardy child.
Penny is a few days behind her, sickness-wise. I'm not certain the flu shot will shorten the duration or potency of this bug, but I really, really, really hope so.
And the unintended medical experiment continues.
This has been coupled by a very tough week at a new job and money troubles at the paper (I HATE the word "furlough"). So I'm really glad I have the next three days to hydrate the children and try to get back into normal with kids who want to do something other than lay on the couch.
Who would have thought I'd have to threaten the girls to eat popsicles?!

Carolyn is 7!

2011-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. How did so much time go by so quickly. But here she is for her annual birthday pictures.

Poor girl is spending the first days as a 7-year-old at home sick. Again. Poor kid has been sick so much this winter. Actually, since January, post-Disney. I hope spring comes soon to take away this winter ickiness.

Now, to entertain two sick girls for the next four hours.

Christine Gardner, RN-BSN

2011-02-13T16:32:00.000-08:00

When Penny turned 5, she kept saying, "I still feel 4." I love that. And now, I totally get it.

I finished nursing school. I passed boards. I got licensed and sat through a week of orientation and everybody keeps calling me an RN... only I still feel like a student. It's like,it just dawned on me that I'm starting a brand new career. At 37. How did that happen?

But the first week was sort of blah. I sat through hours and hours and hours of orientation about a lot of stuff I just spent a year learning. But this time, I like to remind myself, I was getting paid for staring blankly at the paper in front of me. That is so much better than paying. Also, they won't let us do our tests at home because we have to get paid to take them. How sweet is that?!?!

This week I actually get to spend some time on the floor. I'm pretty nervous, although Steve reminds me there is NO way their going to let me even touch a patient, much less be left on my own. Also this week, Carolyn turns 7. I can't believe that either. Because she might be turning 7, but she still feels like my baby girl to me.

Hell yeah snow day

2011-02-03T14:44:00.001-08:00

Here's the last of our three-day, snow-day adventures. It's truly how a snow day is meant to be to be spent.

Snow

2011-02-02T18:51:00.001-08:00

There is no denying it. Things have been going my way.

I have a laundry list of things that have gone well for me in the last few years. I sometimes like to analyze how my life made such a 360. I will say it made major strides after I married Steve, but the last three years have been especially lovely. I have all sorts of crazy theories why this is and I like to speculate after a glass or three of wine.

After about 5 minutes of such a conversation, Steve tells me to shut up and just take credit for it.

I'll admit, many of the awesome things in my life were my doing. I started running. I returned to the Catholic Church (Steve hates this theory in particular and asks that I don't give the Catholic church credit for my happiness). I set in motion a plan to return to nursing school and that worked out just fine.

I believe these things built upon the thing before it. But certain things, like Penny being accepted to the awesome ISU laboratory school based on the dumb luck enrollment system, are beyond the theory that I control the happiness in my life. So when I asked God or whoever would listen to grant me a snow day during my last week of freedom before I become gainfully employed, I was not expecting to be heard.

I certainly wasn't expecting this...

Crazy blizzard that has taken Carolyn and Penny out of school for three days. Totally snowed in, which is not easy to do in the Midwest. Some people say it's a "Be careful what you wish for" kind of situation, but I think the wish was very nicely granted.

For instance, it gave us an opportunity to build a bear den that doubles as a penguin pool.

Darnit if these penguins aren't a particularly cute variety.
Best snow day(s) ever! Thanks dumb luck.

Full circle

2011-01-31T16:27:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've come a long way in the last couple of years. I started running and finished my first half marathon. I reconnected with the Catholic church and have made it a part of my family's life. I put in motion a plan to attend a one-year accelerated nursing program, completed said program and went ahead and got the job I wanted.

I even added five letters behind my name because Christine Gardner RN-BSN sounds so much better than plain-old Chris.

All these accomplishments have come with a certain level of self confidence, a trait I do not naturally possess. So I find it sort of funny that I continue to be a socially awkward, baffoonish-type mom with a stutter when I am surround by other moms. I think I'm a fairly adequate mother, just not a very good in the mom circles.

Take last week. I was having a particularly low moment of self confidence when I got an e-mail about an after-school playdate with Penny's classmates. These moms, in particular, are the sort of go-getter Stay At Home sorts that organize stuff. They organize lots and lots of stuff and they seem to all get along. I'm sort of on the outside, in large part, because I haven't been around a lot of the year. But also, I haven't made an effort because they frighten and intimidate me.

So on this particularly bad day, I decided to forward the message to Steve and ask him if I should go to this outing (even though I had other plans) because I'm a shitty mom and I need to try harder and blah, blah, blah.

Only I didn't forward. I replied.

That is a horrible feeling. Realizing a minute too late that you have sent an un-retrievable message. So I speedy quick send a very light apology.

But I never heard back, which made me feel extra bad.

So today, I tried to make amends. The woman I was certain had sent the e-mail said, No... It wasn't her. Maybe it was one of two other women. One of them said no. The other said no as I blabbered on and on about how it was a mistake and then said the word bitchy in front of like 10 children.

Then I slowly backed away and left. It probably didn't help that it's five months after the start of school I still don't know anybody's name.

I told Steve that maybe these people were just not meant to be my friends. Maybe fate was not allowing this to happen. Maybe I would try extra hard next year.

Then he reminded me that after my stellar performance in the last week, perhaps it wasn't my decision anymore.

Road to NCLEX

2011-01-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Jan. 2010: First week of nursing school. I can do this. I'm just as smart as these others students. I can do this! What??? Test??? What test???

March 2010, and again in June, August, September, etc.: Oh good. Practice tests. And you say I'm not being graded? And tests, and tests, and tests.

September 2010: Finally, the last session of school begins. This NCLEX guru teaches my critical care clinical. I spend lots of time learning the side effects of various antibiotics and contemplating the disease processes of the heart and kidneys. She is very smart but she scares the shit out of me. She lays in wait, pouncing on unsuspecting students, launching impossible questions she knows we can't answer. Also, she just starts singing randomly and I find this to be disconcerting.

November 2010: I decided at this point I will not take the NCLEX review class (aka... Kaplan) if I pass the pre-test (yes, another test) that determines if I will pass NCLEX with 97 percent certainty. Kaplan is $400 and begins the day after finals a week before Christmas. I feel guilty, but no thank you.
I am alone in this philosophy and the smartest kids in class sign up for Kaplan weeks ahead of the pre-test. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me.

December 2010: I easily passed pre-test and was one of five students who decided not to take Kaplan. I bought a test bank of questions to practice and hoped I had not made a huge mistake. I hope this every day for the next month. I tell the NCLEX guru that I'm not taking Kaplan, which she teaches, and she sort of shrugs and implies, "Well. If you think you can pass on your own..." Then she starts to sing.

Dec. 17, 2010: Graduation. Many students remark that Kaplan is awesome and they are so glad they took it. That's fantastic, I tell them.

Late December: I bought a NCLEX app for the iPod. I borrowed a Kaplan book from the library. I painted my living room. My new boss calls and says, "What do you mean you didn't take Kaplan!!!!"

January 2011: I return from the best vacation of my life and start studying, for real this time, for NCLEX ... sorta. I was still waiting for "permission to test" letter. Then I received it and made my test date for one week later. One week and 250 miles later.
So the real studying had finally begun. I had a plan. I was focused and I was ready.

Monday: Carolyn was sick so she stayed home. My last minute plans of catching up on my weak spots fell apart and I even lost electricity and needed an electrician. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong.

And in my twisted, tired mind, I believed these were omens instructing me not to take the test. Failure was imminent.

Tuesday: After losing internet access, I told Steve to cancel my testing appointment. I regain computer access 10 minutes later and re-enrolled for the same test. I did this all without even the slightest break in sobbing. The girls were very unsure of how to deal with this turn of events and eventually became sick of it, asking ,"Why are you crying? Are you going to stop soon?"

Wednesday (testing day): My eyes were swollen for two days after my massive breakdown. Thankfully, I spent all day Wednesday either driving or testing, so I didn't really see many people. The nursing student working at Panera looked like she felt sorry for me, but I was too nervous for chit chat. I was so nervous that I was shocked when I started testing and actually knew some of the answers. Then...

PASS.

I took the minimum number of questions (75) and finished in two hours. Easy like sleazy. So after all the uncertainty, all the doubts and all the tears, I completed the biggest test of my life with very few problems. Well, except for four weeks of paranoid terror. But other than that, it very uneventful.

Thursday: The day after the test, I came down with a horrible cold that seemed to burst out like it had been holding back for weeks. So I laid on the couch and watched old movies with abandon and then I took a 2 hour nap... because I could.
So now on to the next chapter. A chapter free of tests, but full of the possibility I could kill somebody. Ahhh... No more tests.....

Once a writer

2011-01-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

I always had this crazy habit as a writer in that I like to write out loud. I like to talk my thoughts out as I write them down and it's always helped me in organizing sentences and creating tone.

The problem is, I've started doing this in test taking. In prepping for my NCLEX test, which is in the near future (although I'm superstitiously not revealing the exact day), I have started working through problems verbally. I'm fairly certain this will be frowned upon on testing day.

To correct it, I'm thinking about just mouthing my thoughts during my upcoming practice exam. Sure, I might look insane. But it won't be the first (or presumably the last) time.

On a completely different topic, I've decided to cure Carolyn of her forgetfulness. To this, Steve hung his head and said, "Oh no..." He believes this to be a fruitless endeavor, but I think I can do it. More on this failed endeavor in the future.

DISNEY!!!

2011-01-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not certain if it's because I just finished one of the most challenging years of my life. Or maybe the stars are aligned. Or maybe it's because 37 is the best year of a person's life.

But my trip to Disney World was... and I realize how clique this sounds... truly magical.

To begin, Steve planned everything. Every detail. And in doing so, he landed us, not one, but two rooms at the Waldorf Astoria, the only existing model of the famous NYC hotel. And not just two rooms. But one room and one suite. So two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen. With a balcony view of the fireworks at night. It was luxurious beyond my expectations. And they had the best breakfast I've ever eaten.

And then there were the children. If I ever write an Orlando guidebook, I will forever insist that 5 and 6 are the perfect age to take children to Disney. There is... here I go again... a certain magic they see that does not exist in everyday life that is readily available at Disney. And I'm not naive. I understand it's manufactured, which is sort of why I've always been (sort of) anti-Disney. But even I got weepy at the fireworks display.

And then there was the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in a Disney parade. The only parade that invites guest. And they only ask about 7 or 8 families a day. By far, the girls' least favorite part. But having hundreds and hundred of people wave at you is a real experience. I could probably write a whole separate blog about how we were targeted for our multi-ethnic appearance, but I'll refrain.

And then, and this is the main "and then," there was my family. It just so worked out that Carolyn likes roller coasters. And who knew? Me too! We rode Space Mountain three times. Mt. Everest Expedition twice. Thunder Mountain. And this left lots of time for Penny and Steve to catch parades, get stalked by Disney photographers and meet lots of characters.

We rode every ride we wanted. Packed lunches so we didn't have to eat crappy, overpriced Disney food. Caught the bus at just the right time on all but one occasion. Met all the characters. Did I mention the girls love Disney characters?

It was the trip where everything went right. Even the flight through Atlanta, mere hours before an ice storm stranded the flight behind us. So thanks Disney. We'll probably never do it again, but it was one magical experience. I'll stop now.

We must protect this house!

2011-01-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I vowed to blog more, so here it is. I started the day with a 4-mile jog in 20 degrees. Brrr... But I have to say, running in that weather sort of makes me feel like a real bad ass. And that is a fine attitude for this time of year when I'm studying for NCLEX. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Yesterday, in true "Me" style, I was asleep before midnight. But I did take the kids to the Children's Museum for a New Year's countdown at noon. I thought, "this should be fun." So did 1,057 other people. It was a wee bit crowded and annoying.

I kept losing the girls because they're not used to it being so busy and they just kind of wandered off. And I had this constant feeling I was being exposed to sickness. I could only take 90 minutes before I was like, "HOME!!! NOW!!!" Maybe it's good training for Disney, which we leave for in five days. Woohoo.

Well, I'm off to sit in front of the television. God bless New Year's Day. It's even more awesome when you're not hung over.

A new year

2010-12-31T10:38:00.000-08:00

2010 was a good year. But it's ending and I'm ready for 2011. I don't have much in mind this year for resolutions, but here are a few:

1. Pass NCLEX!!!! A must-do.
2. Join a gym and train for at least 1 half marathon. Maybe two. Yes, let's say two.
3. Lose at least 10 pounds. I need to lose 20, but I'll take 10. Also, drink one glass of milk every day.
4. Try to read the entire A section of the paper every day.
5. Blog more, Facebook less.
6. Be more patient with Carolyn.
7. Go to the dentist once this year and floss daily.
8. Get more involved in either church or the schools. Volunteer more.
9. Join a CSA this summer.
10. Try and be a more loving wife. After this last year, Lord knows, Steve deserves it.

I think that's it. Not as comprehensive as two years ago, but definitely better than last year when my only two goals were to pass school and not go crazy. I guess one out of two ain't bad!

I changed my mind

2010-12-30T15:46:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be a nurse. I want to be home with my kids. I want it to be winter. I want to cook for them and play games with them.

Oh yeah, and I want them to never grow any older.

That's how good this break has been. We sleep in. We watch movies. We hang out with friends. It's like every day is better than the last. This has been quite the year.

I haven't blogged lately, so let me catch up. I graduated from nursing school. My family was here to see it, including my in-laws and my awesome nephew Jeremiah. I made a little speech at graduation, and some people even laughed, so that was nice. Christmas was amazing, with Santa bring Disney tickets. And Steve was awarded Employee of the Year! What??? I'm not sure how he even made it to work.

Without a doubt, this is the happiest I've ever been in my whole miserable life. So freezing time sort of feels like the thing to do.

But if freezing time doesn't work, why not try sledding, because that's pretty awesome too.

I think I'll post some resolutions tomorrow. I like to post them on the off chance someone reads them and is like, "So... did you lose that 30 pounds you said you were going to lose?!?" It keeps me honest.

The Final Countdown

2010-12-12T12:35:00.001-08:00

In less than 48 hours, I will be finished with school. Just two more finals and I ... am... done.

I really have nothing else to say right now. That pretty much sums it up.

"I don't feel 5."

2010-11-28T18:24:00.000-08:00

That's my Penny. She still feels the youthful exuberance of 4. The quiet wisdom of an added year has not yet hit my sweet daughter.

We had a lovely time on her birthday this year. McDonalds. A new Nintendo DS. A cake made with a pound and a half of butter. All good things. And not to make this all about me or anything, but this was the last day of my 10-day vacation and it was awesome!

So here are some birthday pics of Penny. In case you wander across this lonely island of a blog, I take pics of my girls every year on their birthdays wearing dresses I once wore, to watch them grow into them. And here is my new 5-year-old daughter, who still feels like she's merely 4.

Employment

2010-11-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Getting a nursing job is the easiest job I've ever gotten. I don't graduate for another !!!!3 weeks!!! and I won't start until February, but it's decided. And during a time when nursing jobs are not as plentiful as you might think. But I guess they're plentiful enough.

I'll be working on a surgical ward that is pretty much the hospital's equivalent of a newspaper's general assignment reporter. This is good because I think being a general assignment reporter is a great way to learn how to become a reporter. Sure, you can specialize in cops or sports or features right away, but if you don't do GA, you never learn what you really love. Or... what you're really good at.

But that's where the similarities between nursing and journalism job hunts ends. Nursing jobs are much more plentiful than the journalism job market of 10 years ago, and for that I am thankful.

So now I've moved on to another phase. It's the phase absent of motivation and drive. And I have a week off so this phase is also highlighted with excessive amounts of wine. Today, I picked up Penny and pretty much hung around the house all day. Then I called Steve and told him I think we should go out to eat. We let Carolyn decide, since she had a rockin' report card Friday, and she immediately yelled out "Chinese buffet."

It's too bad I have a paper to write this week, because I feel sorry for my classmates but I just don't see it being all that great. Sorry classmates, but I have a job and now I am obligated to progress to the next level where I rest on my laurels for at least a day or two.

Or three. Or four...

The job hunt

2010-11-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it's really more of a browsing. In a very small store. With only two items. But still, it's job time.

And that's because school time is almost over. After tomorrow, I'll have just three weeks of classes left. THREE WEEKS!!!!! And in three weeks, I will have earned 62 credits. That's crazy, but oh so real.

This week I had two job interviews at my hospital of choice. When there's only two items in the store, one usually sort of stands out. The first interview was on a surgical unit. They see ortho cases, hysterectomies, gall bladder removals, and stuff like that. It has a really great manager and is the sort of place where you learn lots of stuff. It is where I originally planned on working.

Then I interviewed on the CVCU, or cardiovascular care unit. It's exactly like it sounds. Hearts. Hearts. Hearts. It also has a great manager but was not where I expected to work right out of school. It's very specialized.

So I've decided.... Well, nothing for sure yet. Both seem very interested and I'm leaning toward CVCU for a couple of reasons. The first is I loved the manager and her description of the floor. It seemed fast paced and interesting. The second is the hours, which are just slightly better than surgical.

But mainly, it's because it poses a huge challenge for me and I hate to see a challenge not met. The heart is such a specific organ, but we know so much about it and have all these ways to fix it. And yet, it's still our biggest health issue. And this will give me the sort of critical care experience I wanted three years from now, but today.

So in an attempt to not talk myself out of it, I've been obsessively calling the director for about a day now. I left a message this morning, but on my way out the door just now, I decided to try one more time. And, of course, she was there. And, of course, she said she'd call me right back. So I'm basically blogging to fill the time.

And still no call. C'mon lady. I'd hate to see this as a sign.

Big kids

2010-11-07T09:48:00.000-08:00

My kids are getting so old. They are totally like little people now. Carolyn says things all the time that she picks up at school that are hilarious. And Penny... Well, Penny is just her own kind of girl. Very theatrical.

Yesterday, we took them to the ISU football game. It was family weekend. Usually, that means college kids bringing their parents to campus. But for me, it meant bringing my kids to campus. We rode our bikes downtown for lunch and then to the game. It was super fun.

Penny said she wants to be a football player so (and this is totally a quote), "So I can kill all the white guys." I should probably mention the other team had white uniforms, just so you don't think we're horrible people.

And the people behind us were grandparents who were missing their grandkids (who live a couple of hours away) very much. So they decided to dote on ours, which was super nice. They gave them extra popcorn and red licorice.

It was a fun, sunny, fall day. Totally fun.

Six weeks

2010-10-31T18:14:00.001-07:00

I don't blog anymore because... well... I'm not so sure. I have senioritis big time, but this session is actually quite a bit easier than the last nine months. And just five more weeks of classes. I feel sort of weird about everything. I should be excited, but I'm not. I should continue trying to learn, but I'm lacking any semblance of motivation. I should study for my test, but instead, I'll drink wine and watch football. I've run exactly one time this week.

And that pretty much sums it up right now.

But here are some Halloween pics to show you I'm not completely ignoring the children. Some of them are from tonight, including with the neighbor kids who we hung out with tonight (super fun!). But some are from last weekend when I took them to the haunted trail. See what a great parent I am : )

Fall fun

2010-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

This poor blog. No longer am I cleverly finding new and improved methods of self deprecation. Now, I'm merely complaining, freaking out, yelling at my kids, complaining and then patting myself on the back for doing such a bang up job in nursing school.

To remedy the poor quality (and quantity) of this blog as of late, here are some pictures from the last few weekends. Because, though you might not know it, we still have children and interact with them, somewhat.

For instance, yesterday we took the girls to a fun run at IWU. After, we enjoyed some bouncy houses and face painting.

We went to the Children's Museum a couple of times. Incidentally, it was voted as the best children's experience in Illinois and featured on the Travel Channel, in case any of our parent friends feel up for a road trip.

We went to a nearby Fall Festival at the ISU gardens. This is also a pretty cool, very free, attraction that is surprisingly nice and fun. Penny's preschool class made that scarecrow, btw.

So you can see, we are having fun. At least on the weekends we are!

School troubles

2010-09-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have school troubles. Not my school. The girls' schools.

In case I haven't outlined this, let me do so now. Carolyn goes to the local elementary school. It's considered "bad" in this district, which is another way of saying both poor and black children attend. We had a pretty good experience there last year but aren't thrilled. Carolyn seems to be doing very well in her reading and math, so we don't worry about it too much.

Penny, on the other hand, was accepted to the Illinois State U. lab school. This is a public school run by the university, so it has lots of extra perks. Extra teachers. Extra money. Extra involved parents (you need to apply to be accepted, which weeds out a bunch of lazy bones right off the bat).

So Penny, my extra talkative preschooler, is attending this school with like nine teachers, access to an iPad and a pool. Not only is she the most popular kid in school, she shares her day with us pretty much minute by minute. In addition, she has very open teachers who blog once a week, send tons of information home, take pictures of the kids and make books for the parents to look through and generally have an open door policy. Penny is doing great and we are very happy there.

On the other hand is Carolyn. I have NO IDEA what school is like for her. She shares nothing. She doesn't talk about her friends. She can't remember what she had for lunch. Nothing. Her teacher shares very, very little. She doesn't blog or send home updates. I get a spelling list at the beginning of the week and that's pretty much it. Carolyn and I struggled all week to talk about her science lesson, which we finally figured out tonight.

So I did something very unlike me and I e-mailed her teacher. I just told her my concern that Carolyn was having problems, maybe socially, adjusting to school this year. She's really doing great at the reading and writing, so I figured it must be social.

And that's pretty much where I stand. Because I haven't heard back from her. And I still have no idea what's going on with Carolyn. Penny, (again) on the other hand, is doing great, according to the parent-teacher conference I had with her teacher today. Of course.

So, our family is indeed undertaking a very interesting experiment of what happens when one kid goes to a shitty school and the other one goes to an awesome school. Not exactly what I had in mind initially.

Better now

2010-09-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the thought of school is much worse than school itself. I guess that sort of goes for life. The new job. The new friend. The new hobby. Sometimes these things can be scary.

Or maybe it's just me. It's probably me.

Anyway, this session of school is amazing. It's the best content of the year with lots of very in-depth information about critical care. It has the best clinicals, with experience in critical care and actually working on the floor I where I want to work (I even applied!). It has far less busy work than the last two session and only two classes, so many fewer exams.

And I have the most amazing teachers this session. OK. I'll stop now.

But it's very exciting to start working on this session, start preparing for boards and start thinking about a job as an RN. I'M GOING TO BE AN RN IN 11 WEEKS!!!

So there's lots to be happy about, if I had time for happy. In between the girls' two schools, their activities like ballet and CCD, parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, exercise (hahaha), school picnics, cooking dinner, talking to my husband, blah blah blah, there's very little time for silly things like feeling stuff. So don't go expecting Christmas cards this year.

But I've very happy to be back in school for this last session.

Session 3: OVER....

2010-09-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

When I think back on this year, I'll remember session 2 as the hardest session in nursing school, but session 3 was definitely the biggest pain in the ass. It just seemed impossible to catch up, the clinicals were far away and at weird hours and we had these massive four-hour lectures.

But it's over... And I had five days off in a row that felt like about 15 minutes. And then... back to school.

Ugh. I just don't feel like going back to school. I feel like going to bed. I'm just not sure I can learn much more. My tiny brain just can't take it. And with the kids back in school, we are so busy all the time with activities and school schedules. But, I'm sure I'll get through the next 12 weeks somehow.

Now, that's a depressing blog. But that's really all I have for now.

School on ADD

2010-09-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

As I was basking in the awesomeness of the weekend, whistling away, the guy who sits next to me in class starts laughing.

Turns out, he likes me when I'm in a good mood

And not so much when I'm not.

I had completely forgotten about last week, when I was a malcontent who oozed grumpiness and dissatisfaction with life. It was a very, very bad week and I was not afraid to spread my negativity to those around me.

So it's sort of nice that I have the attention of a fruit fly. It's much nicer to think that I'm always this happy, even when the guy sitting next to me knows the truth.

I didn't even have to use my AK

2010-09-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

It for sure was a good day. Good weekend actually. Good two weekends.

For one: It was my birthday weekend. Love it. I love having Labor Day weekend and my birthday fall at the same time. Since I don't really feel the need to honor labor unions, it sort of frees up the weekend for more fun stuff. Like beer.
Oh and fun afternoon stuff like bike rides to the farmer's market and lunch on campus. And a new bike basket that totally rocks.

Two: Quick trip to Chicago. It was lots of fun heading to Chicago, mostly so I could go to Ikea. I'm not sure why I love that store so much. Sort of makes me feel like I'm in another country. I swear, I saw a guy in sub-saharan African attire loading boxes into his Sedan. It is a very diverse crowd. Oh... And I also love Cheesecake Factory. And hotels. And big, pink flowers from H&M.

Three: School. It's actually sort of winding down right now and my heart isn't really in it. I try to stay focused, but it's hard with so much fun to be had. But yeah for me... My class voted me to speak at the graduation thingy at the end of the year. Probably not the biggest deal in the world. After all, there are only 25 of us. But I sort of feel awesome that Carolyn and Penny get to hear me speak at the ceremony. I think it will really help them wrap their heads around the year.

And hopefully, I won't sound like a jackass.

A quick blog for a quick trip

2010-08-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

I don't blog much because I find facebook so much faster and much better with the instant gratification. Also, not much is happening. I finished clinicals and going into my last session in a few weeks. Next? The job search. The girls started school, which is something big, I guess. Last week was so crazy I just didn't have time to process it much less blog about it.

Short version... Penny is at the fancy-shmancy university school run by ISU. She's in preschool, which we pay for, but she's guaranteed a spot in the regular school, which is free. It's very fancy, which swimming lessons during school and lots of activities.

Carolyn is still at her ghetto school, which I sort of love. I LOVE her teacher and everything seems to be going along great this year. She's joining the Daisy's (an arm of girl scouts) this year and she's really good at math.

So, I'm blogging to post some pictures to our quick trip to Chicago. Well, not really Chicago, but a consumer version of it. We went to the suburbs to go to Ikea, the fancy mall, the Lego museum and the Cheesecake Factory. And yes... of course I'm embarrassed by the nature of this buy, buy, buy trip, but I also had a great time at Ikea, so that made me feel a little better.

Here's the pics before I dig my hole a little deeper.

First memories

2010-08-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

One of my first memories is pulling the chair out from underneath my mother while she was hanging out with her friends. It was a last second decision that I instantly regretted and I began to cry almost before her butt hit the floor.

For Steve, it was a time he took a candy bar from the grocery store aisle and ate it while his busy mother focused on the groceries. He was halfway done with the candy before his crime was discovered, a crime he would pay for in spankings.

I believe Penny had her first memory yesterday. She picked up a rock and threw it right at a lifeguard, hitting her!!!! The girls are always picking up rocks and throwing them, and I'm always telling them to not to pick up rocks and throw them. I honestly believe she didn't mean to hit the lifeguard, but that's what happened.

In true "this is my child" fashion, she started to cry almost immediately after the rock hit the ground. I saw the entire thing, so it was made slightly worse by my very, very angry tone of voice. For almost 15 minutes we had to deal with heavy sobbing as we worked through this problem. And... in the end... it is my strong belief that her rock-throwing days are behind her.

Miracles

2010-08-06T16:27:00.001-07:00

This session is a total and complete nightmare... sort of. My group, as a whole (definitely with exceptions) is not very much fun. There's tons of homework. I hate, hate, hate one of my clinicals and I hate the instructor even more. I work nights, blah, blah, blah and more of the same.

But....

I got to watch a real, live birth yesterday. Not only that, I got to do all the baby care and assessments in the first hour of the baby's life. It was AMAZING!!!! I felt overwhelmed and excited and incompetent and exhilarated all at once. It was, by far, the most amazing day of this semester.

And part of the session has actually been great. We've been at a children's hospital the two and a half weeks. I thought that experience was also amazing, but with fewer caps. I thought I would be really annoyed by the parents, or lack thereof. But really, that hasn't been too big a deal for me. I just love caring for children. There's something intuitive about caring for children. Although, like my instructor pointed out, a child's death is something that some nurses just don't want to do. And I get that. But I will say, little kid poop is SO much better than old man poop.

And not that I'm counting or anything, but 30 weeks down, 18 to go. Woot-woot, as the good people on Facebook would say.

Whew. Glad that's over.

2010-07-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I just finished up my once-a-session nervous breakdown. It was a particularly bad breakdown that had me sobbing into my keyboard at 10 p.m. Friday night as I finished up an online assignment.

Haha, right! Yeah, I'm totally serious. No exaggerating or anything.

I feel most bad about involving one of my classmates. At the very beginning of my breakdown, I was totally stressed out while doing a group project. Poor guy expected the usual cheery, optimistic Chris and got something that seemed to scare him just a little.

That's the accelerated program. One day, you're taking care of people, feeling super nursey, and the next day you're crying into your keyboard, feeling old and ridiculous. It's the constant demands without any relief. And it's so all-consuming that Steve doesn't even want to hear the word "nurse" anymore. But, as I mentioned in the title, at least the breakdown is over and I can go back to my normal, not crazy self.

At least until the fourth session....

Very busy

2010-07-21T04:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a lot of time to post. Clinicals started so that means four 10-hour days a week... plus commuting... plus homework... plus time worked in to bitch about the commute and the homework.

Everybody made it back safe and sound from Texas. Well... sound at least. Penny broke her arm and has a big purple cast. She loves to show it off and it doesn't seem to be bothering her at all. It is sort of a bummer she can't finish out her Wee Ball season (and now, she'll probably never go pro... dammit) but mostly it's not a big deal at all.

So here's a few pictures to tide you over until I have more than five minutes.

Back to Normal

2010-07-12T04:53:00.001-07:00

I'm back from my fun-filled weekend in the foothills of Texas. From Normal, Ill. to Utopia, Tx. That's how I roll.

The trip was fun, but Steve has the camera so more on that later.

My biggest adventure was actually getting to Texas after that tropical storm hit on Thursday. Our tiny plane from Bloomington (I ♥ you Bloomington airport) was en route to Dallas when the Dallas airport shut down. We circled for a bit, but then gas issues (frankly, I'm surprised that little plane has enough gas to get to Dallas, much less circle) dictated we needed to land in Oklahoma City.

Only, en route to Oklahoma City, that airport closed. So... and if you know me, this is the funny part.... we landed in Tulsa. That's right. Home to the in-laws. Who were in Utopia. Well, they were near Utopia.

And in Tulsa we stayed. Right on the tarmac. For almost two hours!

We finally got back in the air to Dallas, and when we landed my plane to San Antonio was boarding. I don't know if any of you have been to the Dallas airport before, but let's say it's no Bloomington airport. I full on ran and caught my plane, which had about 50 people standing out front, waiting to board standby. About two minutes after I got on, the remaining two seats were given to other people.

Thank you God for making me a runner two years ago, if only because it was the singular reason I made my plane and the day was saved.

And bonus. The restaurant at the hotel was still open when I got there at 11 and I had the most delicious salad I have ever eaten, all while watching Seinfeld.

The Queen of Hyperbole

2010-07-06T13:35:00.001-07:00

This is what Steve calls me. It's because I don't half-ass anything, not even my declarations that "This is the best weekend, EVER!!!!!"

Apparently I say this almost every weekend. But this weekend it really was true. Now (boo), this is the worst Tuesday, ever.... Steve and the girls left for Texas today (which, haha on me, is actually cooler temp-wise than it is in Illinois right now) so I'm in my basement, writing about the girls and catching up on my printing.

Say what you will, an empty house is good for getting some quality printing done.

But, here's some pictures from the weekend, the best weekend EVER!

There was a dance party, USA style!

We went to the pool.

And you probably can't tell from this picture, but Carolyn just finished going down the red slide. I"ll call it suicide slide. It drops you straight down so it feels like you're free falling. I rode it once, and that was enough thank you very much.
Carolyn climbed a tree!

And Charlie got stuck in a tree.

And let's not forget the All-American sport of sibling T-ball!

So, obviously, you can see where I get this Best Weekend Ever stuff.

Best day (ever?) in a super long time

2010-07-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

I had all these plans to get caught up today. "Caught up" meaning getting a bunch of projects done today that are due 12 weeks from now. But I'm no fool. By now, I know that eight weeks from now, there will be no time for extra stuff, even if extra is mandatory.

But still, when I left for my clinical hours at a daycare center today, fully intending to spend the rest of the day at the library, I realized something. I realized Penny needed me to be home. She NEEDED it. So I made the decision to get the girls before noon, make lunch and just spend the day at home.

What a great decision. I am literally patting myself on the back while I type this. I'm that good.

Anyway, I made lunch. Spider Man mac and cheese. A big hit. Penny slept for a marathon 2 1/2 hour session (told you she needed it) while I finished up my homework and Carolyn spent some quality time with her DS.

Then the fun started. I got to spoil my girls in a way I usually don't get to do. I let them chase down the ice cream truck. I played mermaid at the pool. I promised them some Silly Bandz from Walgreens tomorrow (it was only a matter of time before they learned about the lure of silly bandz). I downloaded my first Miley Cyrus song on iTunes, not to mention a couple of songs to satiate the girls' Black Eyed Peas appetite. We watched Carolyn play t-ball, including a very well-intentioned try at first base. Go Green Bugs!!!

So it was a good day. A very good day.

Girls, girls, girls

2010-06-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick update, mostly because I just bought a new camera over the weekend and I wanted to look at the new pictures that will no longer have that annoying black dot floating in the middle of all my photos.

It's a quick update because I started my third session of school today. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the homework assignments, which seem to be numerous and scattered throughout the calendar in a way that makes me think my teacher sorta hates students. But I'm wading through it all, doing my best.

Speaking of wading, the girls finished swim classes last week. They are super cute in their goggles and swim caps, especially when they're hugging. Don't ya think...

Penny took her first leap off the diving board and said it wasn't scary at all.

She and Carolyn are both doing awesome at the pool. I seemed to have gotten a couple of guppies. Carolyn's favorite game is to swim to the middle of the pool and just sort of hang out. I'm terrified the lifeguard is going to assume she's struggling, even though she's just pretending "I'm a fish in a pool."

Here's a couple of more, just because they're so darn cute. Also, it reminds me just how lucky I am. A former co-worker of mine who is just 40 and has a young daughter died over the weekend. It is so, so, so sad. I'm hearing she had cancer, but my heart goes out to her and her family. It really makes you take stock of the important things, which happen to be:

B's get degrees

2010-06-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

In nursing school, we say this to ourselves a lot. On particularly bad weeks, we change it to "C's get degrees."

But secretly, we all (most of us because I'm sure there's at least two non A-type personalities in this program) feel like failures with anything less than an A. At this time, I'll stop using the word "we." When I got straight B's this session, I didn't feel like a failure, but I did feel like I would have liked at least one A. I also felt a huge relief that I passed because this session was a real bitch.

So it was sort of like Christmas morning today when I got an announcement that some lost extra-credit has affected the grades of two students and I saw one of those students was ME!!! I got an A in Adult 2, totally the hardest class I've had yet. And it's 7 credits! That's huge.

I'm enjoying my four-day holiday by not doing much of anything. Well, I'm carting the girls off to swimming practice, taking them to the pool for some fun, hanging out with my mom who's come to visit and then going to T-ball practices. And I finished my fun book already ("The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night," which I really enjoyed). And I went running. Had a picnic in the park. Going to the pool again later today.

But other than that, I'm taking it easy. Gotta enjoy these days off, right!

One down, two to go

2010-06-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

I love finals week. You'd think it would be incredibly hard, but comparatively speaking, it's pretty much cake. No lectures. No clinicals. No homework. I go to class to take a test for two hours and then I'm done for the rest of the day.

And by done, I mean I sit in the basement for six hours looking through my 2,630-word Med-Surg textbook looking up stuff I'm pretty sure I've never heard or read about before today.

See... Cake!

To make this week even better (and it really is pretty awesome, actually), I found my missing netbook. Well, not me, but the lovely custodial staff at Illinois State University. I guess I left it in the classroom on Thursday (yes, I know today is Tuesday) and they turned it in to the university police. Awesome! I know some department that's getting a big old Thank You e-mail later this week.

I'm back... sorta...

2010-06-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

Summer has made it abundantly clear that life is very quickly passing me by. I don't record my always insightful thoughts anymore. I don't take pictures of my girls. I didn't even go outside today. All day....

But there is so much going on right now that it would be sinful not to try and get some of that down. And because I believe in the very depths of my heart that the worst of school is now behind me (just three finals before I'm half a nurse!!!!) I feel I can devote some time to recording this insanely crazy year.

For instance, I watched someone escape from a state-run mental institution last week. Scaled the fence and all. I have finished my first rotation in a hospital and I got to see a surgery. It was super cool. School was very, very difficult this last session. It was either test after test after test, or 16 hours of homework every weekend. Sometimes both. I still run, but not a lot. I ran a very slow 4 miles this weekend and thought I was doing pretty good.

And then there's the family. Where to begin? Well, Penny got in Metcalf, which is this super cool public school (experimental school, actually) run by Illinois State University. We're going on a family reunion in a few weeks. Texas! In July! Yes, this really is the plan... Carolyn is reading!

Here's just a sampling of the rest.

• We put a swing in the backyard.

• We turned on the sprinkler and put up the hammock.

• Carolyn is signed up for T-ball. She had her first game Friday. She's not really very good, but she's very fast. Penny is playing Wee Ball. She is both good and fast. I love the no-nonsense look she gets on her face when she practices.

• We go to the pool.... A LOT...

And there you have it. All caught up.

I ain't going to blog no more

2010-05-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

In reply to Julia's question about whether I'll blog again, I'm here to say no. Well, except for this blog, or if something really horrible happens. But for the most part: No. I will not be blogging anymore.

And here is why.

My life is an emotional roller coaster that would be hard to reconstruct daily into an amusing observation. For instance, my day might start off fine, followed by something emotionally horrible, followed by a really amazing experience. I do not have the stamina to record these near-daily ups and downs. I'd really like to record all my self-perceived incompetence, which proved to be pretty funny in the parenting department, but back when I was merely parenting I had time to dwell on and reconstruct those awful moments of self-doubt. Today, I can barely remember the reason for the breakdown that sent me into a downward spiral on Wednesday. (That's totally true, and not stated for effect).

So let's just say that I'm 85 percent sure I'll pass this session (even though my grades have been slipping as the session wears on) and I'm having some great experiences. For instance, I'm working at a hospital and at a state mental institution which houses a guy being investigated by the CIA. For real... But that's all I know for now.

Sorry Julia. You'll just have to rely on my comments on your blog for information. BTW... Julia's blog is awesome. Anybody reading this blog should definitely start reading hers.

New post

2010-04-17T15:58:00.001-07:00

I'm basically adding a post because I haven't been posting much. Things in school are extremely stressful. We're doing this thing they call "front loading" that essentially means the teachers are trying to get us as much information as possible before we walk into the hospital. This means we attend class for about six hours of very fast lecture every day.

It is ever so much fun.

This program actually is changing next year based on several factors. I guess the strange schedule that doesn't fit in with the rest of the university, the scattered resources and "front loading" have all affected the university's decision to change this 12-month program into a 16-month program.

Right now, we have four 12-week session. The new program will have a summer session, followed by a regular year with traditional nursing students, followed by a second summer session. While this logically makes sense, I'm so, so, so thankful I didn't wait until 2011 to apply, because this would have meant I would have started 6 months later than expected and been in school almost an extra year.

So... while I bitch and moan about the pace and how school blows and how I never see my family, I actually am doing exactly what I wanted to do, exactly when I wanted to do it.

All in all, a pretty sweet deal. Even with the front loading.

Second session sleepies

2010-04-10T04:54:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, this second session is making me tired.

Maybe it's the six hours of lecture about perioperative care. Maybe it's the two tests next week. Maybe it's the two exams next week or the basement caves where I learn how to be a nurse as the rest of the world enjoys spring and frolics about on campus. (I should post about our classroom situation next week with pictures because now that we've been given a taste of windows, I'm not sure I like it.)

Who knows why so sleepy. I am a little worried I'm going to have a hard time of it when I start clinicals in a few weeks that require me to get up at 4 a.m. Yep. It'll be interesting to see how that goes.

Session 2: Bring it

2010-04-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

Despite the 1 point fiasco, I managed to survive my first semester of nursing school with three As and one very high B. Pretty fantastic.

Now, after a Friday off and one whole, entire weekend, I'm back in school. And I've done what any great nursing student does to prepare. I print. I print and print and print some more. I print things that make no sense to me at all. I convert .docx to .doc files and then I print them. I print student evaluation forms and power point presentations and case studies.

And then... I sit on the couch and watch basketball, pretending my three-day break actually lasted four days. Because even though I'm not caught up on my printing, I'm caught up for tomorrow and that's fine by me.

Final blues

2010-03-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

I'm having a nice pity party. Turns out, mediocrity is my specialty. I got a B in my health assessment class. Final grade: 89.3 percent. That's one point out of 768 points that's keeping me from my A. Dammit....

One additional point on an online quiz (I missed three!). A half question on any exam. Just 10 more minutes of studying.

I think it's God smiting me for not going to confession last night like I had planned. Steve said God stopped smiting people in the Old Testament, but I kinda think he still does it, but just on a smaller scale.

On a less whiny note, I got an A in patho. Like it matters now. I'm going back to my party. It's on the couch and it's cozy, in case you were wondering.

The calm before the shit starts hitting my life

2010-03-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

I feel bad complaining that I don't have much to do right now. Like today. Out of class by 1. I talked to some old (dear-old, not old-old) friends on the phone. I watched my show (Rafe is, like, so hot!).

My paper is done. I'm pretty solid on my grades. Finals next week. It's been very nice outside.

But in about a month, that all ends. Two clinicals a week. One in Springfield, which is only about an hour and a half away. Crazy... But life is much too fun right now to be blogging.

Bye.......

One more week

2010-03-21T18:38:00.001-07:00

I have one more week of classes, followed by a week of finals, and I'm done with this first session.

Wow. I should feel great about almost being 25 percent done with nursing school. But all I feel is nervous. Nervous about this second, more strenuous second session schedule. Nervous about two clinicals a weeks. Nervous about being busy while everybody else gets to enjoy summer. Nervous about my hour and a half commute with a new carpool partner.

Also, I spent six straight hours locked in my basement cave today writing a five-page paper. FIVE PAGES. And I'm a writer! What happened to my brain?

I spoke too soon

2010-03-16T17:40:00.001-07:00

I recently e-mailed a friend of mine about how being in back in school at 36 was really no big deal.

This is what I get for bragging.

It's not enough that the girls (it's nursing school, so almost all women/girls) were talking about getting wasted recently, or that they'll be headed to the bar at 2 p.m. tomorrow afternoon for St. Pat's Day. But, I was the volunteer for our neurology assessment today, which includes reflexes. My reflexes were horrible. While the 23-year-old's were practically kicking themselves in the head with their super-awesome reflexes, mine were barely visible mini kicks, which I guess is sort of age related.

Now, I can take the funny talk about being old, the self deprecation and the idea of being the "sort of (not really) coolish, olderish person." But it's a whole different story when it's physiological.

Nothing like the body saying "Don't you think you're a little old for this?"

Not a superhero

2010-03-11T05:20:00.001-08:00

I can't do it all. Well, I guess I can, but I can't and stay sane.

So I backed out of a freelance job I had taken over spring break. I took it specifically to do over break, but it's Thursday and no assignment yet. So I quit.

It's official. I'm a quitter.

This is just a small public confession to my feeling bad. Somehow, it always makes me feel better. Thanks for listening!

What mediocrity feels like

2010-03-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

In just a few short weeks, I'll be done with my first session of nursing school. One down. Four to go.

This is good news and it seems like passing won't be the problem I originally expected. But after this brutal week of tests, it seems I'm getting a 89 percent average on tests in two classes.

OH MY GOD... An 89 percent!!!!

Steve tells me my insane desire to get all As all the time is, well, insane. Whether I get As or Cs in all my classes has very little bearing on my nursing career (unless there's a grad school in my future, which Steve tells me is just simply not the case) but I can't help but feel getting all As is the only acceptable route.

I might be more open to Bs if I wasn't carrying a strong A in the class I had thought would be the hardest. Of course I'm speaking of pathophysiology. That's right. I'm a super nerd.

Speaking of nerds, tell me this isn't the finest grouping you've ever seen. Last day of clinicals. I'm free. I'm free (for a few days). I'm finally free....

There can be only one....

2010-03-04T17:21:00.001-08:00

(good one)....

Turns out, only one child at a time can be the good one. Like, Carolyn's a handful and Penny's sweet as sweet potato pie. Carolyn starts doing great in school and being really considerate, and Penny kicks me during an evening walk, just because she's pissed off.

Penny was pretty sick about a week ago. She had it pretty bad (virus, fever, pain... pretty much the whole nine ugh yards). I think I've mentioned this before, but when she's sick, she pretty much just lays on the couch and is super cuddly. But, surprise-surprise, when she comes out of it, bad things happen. And this time was not only not an exception, it was an example.

But I was pretty much aware of nothing. That's because I took four tests this week. I wrote three papers. I did an abdominal exam proficiency. And that's what I did.

Incidentally, I also scared the shit out of my Adult Nursing 1 instructor yesterday as I ran by her on the trail, scream "HI!!!!" and kept on running when it became clear she had no idea who I was.

Sorry for posting a series of non sequiturs. But that's what my life is right now. A moment here. A moment there. Turns out, I'm not really anywhere. Also, I've given up Facebook for Lent so I need a place to put all my small, insignificant thought(s).

The things you learn in Nursing school

2010-02-26T14:56:00.001-08:00

Sort of the point of this blog, but lately I'm too tired to care much about blogging.

But here's an interesting tidbit: During our Health Assessment class this week, we were assessing each others' abdomens. While it's loads of fun to show off my big, fat stomach to my super skinny labmate, it's also very educational.

For instance, I learned I have a super tiny liver. This is both very nice and a little surprising. I guess all that wine hasn't grown my liver into the size of a small state.

Let's drink to that!

What I'll do for a three-day weekend

2010-02-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

I started today with a test at 8 a.m., followed by a heart and lung assessment proficiency and, finally, ending at 2 a.m. after an 11-hour clinical.

Yes. It was totally worth it for a three-day weekend.

Birthday break

2010-02-18T04:11:00.001-08:00

Haha... Not for me. My life is relatively break -free for the moment. I took 107 question Path test a few days ago (and, amazingly, got 103 correct just because I'm so super brainy) and today I start a nightmarish clinical rotation that includes a test at 8 a.m., a heart and lung assessment at 11 a.m., clinicals at 3, bed at 10 and up again at 4 for more clinicals.

I felt sort of sad writing all that.

But the reason I'm blogging is Carolyn. She's 6! While her birthday was sort of a bummer because a bout of the sick, it was actually sort of nice because she's got a visiting grandma, she got a DS for her birthday, and she gets a B-day extension because she gets her school celebration today.

But... that's not the reason I'm writing either.

Yesterday, I guess she was being sort of mad about something. Steve said that sounded like whining. You know... the sort of noise a 5-year-old might make. He asked her, "Are you 5 or 6?"

"Daddy! It's just my first day."

Now. That's why I'm writing.

Perspective

2010-02-04T16:10:00.001-08:00

You might wonder what that previous title, a title without an entry, was all about. Well, when you leave your lunch in the car, then go to Jimmy John's to get a sandwich, and promptly lose that sandwich on the one-block walk back to class, you appear just the slightest bit crazy when you return to Jimmy John's to ask if anybody turned in a sandwich.

Bad week.

But today, I'm realizing not really all that bad.

For instance, my Health Assessment teacher is going through chemo for breast cancer. As an aside, I think I'm in love with her. She's about the best teacher I ever had. Today during lecture, she pulled out a huge chunk of her own hair and I about started crying. She'll probably be fine and all, but what an incredibly personal way to interact with her class. I know this, because I had to stick my hands down a classmates pants the other day as I looked for the femoral vein.

Then, I called my well-elder for my clinical project. This guy really isn't "well" in the way most people are. For instance, he's 93 and pretty disgusting. Last week I picked up a 5 pound, urine-soaked pad off his living room floor. Anyway, I called him tonight and he told me his blood-work came back and things aren't looking so hot.

And my "frail" elder is on hospice. So there's that.

In the grand scheme of things, losing a sandwich doesn't seem like such a big deal. Neither does the incident where the bus driver yelled at me, or the frustration of not being able to keep track of everything, or the broken dryer, or the Intro test I don't feel great about.

Then why does it feel like such a big deal?

"Did anybody turn in a sandwich?"

2010-01-28T10:02:00.001-08:00

Intro to feeling like a dumbass

2010-01-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

Nothing feels quite as lovely as somebody making you feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

Enter my Intro to Nursing teacher, although I use that term loosely.

Today, we were learning to write care plans, which is something probably all nursing students learn and hate. While meeting in little groups, she came around and we asked her some questions about nighttime urinary output and edema, or swelling in the ankles.

"Well, what happens to heart perfusion when you lay down?" she said.

"It goes down," one girl said.

"WHAT??? WHAT??? GOES DOWN???"

"Well, we're not sure what it does," we all agreed, nervously nodding to one another.

"WHAT??? WHAT??? Just think about it." To illustrate her eloquent point, she made her ink pen stand up, lay down, stand up, lay down.

Of course, she went on, it goes up. Of course it does. Then she walked away sort of disgusted in all of us. This from a woman who told us the right diagnosis wasn't in the book we were using. A book she clearly hates.

Well readers of this blog, if a few months, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to say I got 100 percent on my first Patho exam, but I needed to drop out of college because I failed Intro to Nursing. Oh, what a proud day that will be.

Pathophysiology and pharmacology

2010-01-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I wasn't even sure what pathophysiology meant. Spell check doesn't even acknowledge it as a word. Today, I took my first test.

100 percent!!!! That's right.

Sure the tests will continue to get harder. Sure I probably overstudied. Sure it's sort of wrong of me to gloat about getting the only perfect score (that I know of, although it's a group of 25 people who I see for 6-8 hours every day).

But it sure is a nice ego-booster and, hopefully, a sign of things to come.

Another great day at clinicals

2010-01-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

I have next-to-no-time available to me this weekend, but I just had to mention the fantastic day I had yesterday at clinicals.

I GAVE SHOTS!!!!

Totally awesome. I gave eight H1N1 shots to Alzheimer's patients, so the lady that screamed bloody murder ended up following me around for 30 minutes because she couldn't really remember I was the person she hated. Anyway, I gave more shots than anybody else in my group because I'm pretty fast. It's a mom thing. Turns out, being a mom is a good training course for being a nurse.

I also had great interviews with my two patients and will be passing meds next week.

Well, back to my studying. I have a pathophysiology test Monday and a health assessment test Tuesday. Turns out, studying for tests is not nearly as fun as giving shots.

Test 1 down; 15 to go

2010-01-19T18:22:00.000-08:00

That's 15 tests left this session. Then just three sessions after that. And 16 more tests per session. Now I'm hyperventilating. Now I'm freaking out. Step back. Just think about Saturday. Saturday....

Ahhh. That's better.

So where was I? Oh yes, my first test down. I got an 89 percent. Not too shabby. Almost an A, not that it matters. That's what the group collectively decided today. Grades are not important as long as we pass the classes and, more importantly, the NCLEX, the national licensing exam.

But that's 50 weeks further ahead than I'm allowing myself to think.

Clinical goodness

2010-01-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

So... Just two weeks and we're in the clinical setting. It's a nursing home but it's such a great break after sitting in a classroom for hours upon hours each week. Not that I don't love learning about drug metabolism for the third time in one week, but the break is nice.

My group is at a very rural nursing home in the middle of a cornfield. It's run by Mennonites, which I mistakenly believed are Amish-like. I do know they make a mean strawberry pie by the annual Mennonite strawberry pie festival. Anyway, it's a really interesting place.

All the students get a frail elder and a well elder for this clinical rotation. My frail elder is dying. I am not at all joking about this. She's dying and will likely die during my rotation. While I find this very sad, but I also think it might be a great opportunity for both me and this patient to enter the dying process together. Truth be told, it will ~~probably~~ definitely be a better opportunity for me than for her, but I hope we both benefit from it.

My well elder is a very gossipy old guy who pretty much lives in his own filth. I'm approaching this as my "light" assignment and not getting too creeped out by the old-man smell.

Another benefit of clinical is my carpool group. They are a group of very ambitious young women who I like very much. They are so cute and driven and smart. And... they asked me to come study with them. We're meeting to study for a test Monday night. I finally feel the emergence of the college student I always knew I could be, instead of the one that was too hung over to come to class so many years ago. I'm super excited.

Intro to Nursing

2010-01-13T16:41:00.001-08:00

I'm sure it's super important to understand the history of nursing and the modern health care system and ... oh forget it. I'm boring myself.

What I really want to know is: when do I get to start giving shots. That's what I really want to know.

Adult Nursing 1

2010-01-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

Our Adult 1 Nursing professor is super enthusiastic. Smiling and telling stories and simultaneously sorting through about 15 Web sites, she describes health promotion initiatives with the sort of vigor a college student might use when relaying a weekend drunkfest or I might use to describe a very minor grade change.

But I still feel like I haven't learned anything. At least, I'm not sure I've learned enough to pass the test next week.

I am sort of thrilled at a grade change I had on a quiz earlier this week. I asked this enthusiastic professor about a question I was sure I'd gotten right. Turns out, I had did have the answer right, except I included the word "grid," as in "Amsler grid" and the word "grid" was already written in the answer. Anyway, the quiz was for 5 of about 5,000 points, but she gave me full credit so she totally rocks.

Wasn't that fascinating!

School begins

2010-01-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

Actually, it began six days ago. I'm just now posting, if that tells you anything. The first week was pretty awesome and I had a feeling of euphoria at my unbelievable courage and smarts. I even felt youngish. It's sort of like being a super hero.

But after a crappy night's sleep, a horrible headache and four hours of pathophysiology, with a test during our next class meeting, I'm sort of feeling slightly more like someone who might not get an A in pathophysiology. Or, really, in anything.

If I mentioned I only got a 95 percent on the third patho quiz, instead of the 100 percent I should have gotten if I were paying attention, you probably wouldn't feel as sorry for me as I feel for myself. But you should, because I suck.

Tomorrow — Health Assessment followed by Adult Nursing I. Class starts at 8 and we're going until 3:30 to make up the class time we lost last week to the snow storm. ***yeah***

Another New Year

2010-01-01T06:14:00.000-08:00

I guess it's time for some resolutions. I did OK on last year's list. Not great. I didn't let the girls help me with dinner once a week, and I fell way short on my blogging goal (Damn you Facebook). I never had that much-needed garage sale.
But... I did get all my Catholic stuff done and ran a half marathon. I also did everything needed to get into nursing school.
And I went ahead and GOT INTO NURSING SCHOOL, even though that wasn't even on my list!
Because of that, my year is pretty much dedicated to going to school, so my resolution list will be short but with little room for failure.
1. Do not freak out. Do not freak out.
2. Pass my classes.
3. Don't focus on how hard it is. Instead, see it as fun and challenging.
4. Take at least a few hours each week just to hang out with my family.
5. Say one Hail Mary for every mean thought I have about somebody.
6. Try really hard not to yell at my family when I'm stressed out for reasons unrelated to them.
7. Run at least twice a week, even during finals.

This isn't good

2009-12-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

Here's Penny on the couch watching television.

That's right. She's eating her breakfast on a tray in her pajamas at 10:20 a.m. while I scramble to finish my interviews for a story. I'm not sure how this happened, but I hate to see life at my house on the day before a big test. I might just be tossing her handfuls of Skittles while Dora plays on a loop.

A change in direction

2009-12-09T14:21:00.000-08:00

Here's my thoughts about parenting about four years ago;

Hard is an all-day meeting after a night binge drinking. It's an hour commute. It's trying not to listen to your co-workers personal phone conversations.
Hard is NOT staying home with your children. The modern world has taken all the struggle out of this noble endeavor.
Here's a daily log of how my life got so easy and ways I try to complicate things.

I stand by this. I do think that most of the difficulties in staying at home to raise children are self inflicted. Sure it's boring building a block tower for two consecutive hours. And who doesn't hate Dora. She's totally creepy. Staying home is filled with lots of little annoyances, but what job isn't annoying at times?

My difficulties mainly revolved around my complete and utter lack of self-confidence.

"Ooooh... (whiny me) I don't fit in. Suburban moms are bitches. They just don't get me."

Give me a break. People are mostly just people, no matter what they do or where they live. There are bitches pretty much everywhere. I just didn't feel like I fit in, so therefore I didn't.

But as I felt more sure in my role, even without the minivan or the minimansion, these problems just took care of themselves. Life has become unbelievable easy and carefree.

So in my best effort to remain an outcast not only in my circles but in all of society, I'm going back to school. Competent parenting is so much less funny than the days when I felt like complete-and-utter failure most of the time. So I think the days of this parenting blog are at an end.

That's not to say I won't completely relapse as the kids enter the teen years and they begin hating me with every fiber of their being, but they are not the most pathetically interesting thing in my life right now.

Right now, that's reserved for going back to school.

So I think I might start writing occasionally about that. Who knows. Perhaps there are other SAHMs turned overaged college coed out there just waiting to relate to my rantings and ravings. Maybe I just feel better after I publicly confess my feelings of inadequacy. Whatever. From now on, my Dirty Little Secret will dwell mostly on my new adventure.

NURSING SCHOOL (said in echoy type voice).

But because I love it so, and it's not even relevant anymore, here's my Top 5 list of staying home with your kids. It's always been one of my favorites.

Top five reasons staying home is easier than working.
5. Power naps are near impossible on the oddly stained couch in the ladies lounge.
4. No chance of being fired.
3. A working women couldn't be this tan without a sunlamp.
2. Never hearing your child cry when she has to leave daycare.
And 1. It's never necessary for you to buy an outfit on the way to the office because the laundry is just not a priority.

That's gold. Comic gold. And really more true than I realized when I wrote it. Here's to realizing the last four years have been the best gift I could have ever received.

Cheers!!!!

Twinkle, Twinkle

2009-11-24T11:41:00.000-08:00

OK. One more, just because this also is the cutest thing in the whole wide world. I think in this video Carolyn had just turned 2. We hadn't even put our pictures on the wall yet so it must have been right after we moved into this house.

And now: Twinkle, twinkle