Toilet terror

I give up.

I'm just going to invest in Pampers and call it a day. Penelope is untrainable.

This morning was traumatizing for the whole family. Penny screamed so piercingly at the suggestion that perhaps she just sit on the potty for a moment that Carolyn came in and said, "Mommy, stop hurting Penny. She doesn't like it."

And it's not as easy as just letting her run around without diapers, which is what I did with Carolyn. Just being without a diaper is enough to send her into fits of hysteria.

So what's a mom to do? Patience? Stern talkings to? Lots of vodka?

Or maybe I'll just try again next week. I just can't stand the screeching.

Easter Eggstravaganza

We went to the city's Easter egg hunt today. While it was about 34 degrees below zero and the hunt was situated on possibly the flattest, windiest spot in the Midwest (and that's saying something around here) we had a good time.

I was a little worried Carolyn would be overtaken by the older kids. She was in the 4 to 5 year group and typically not the most aggressive of kids. But as you can see, she's all about the egg hunt.
* Note: That bit at the end is a little jolting, but she's totally OK.



While I did not get a picture of Penny because we were late and she needed quite a bit of help with the hunting, but here's a cute pic of the girls before we left the house.



Happy Easter everybody.

The limited memory of a wine-soaked SAHM

Seriously, if it didn't happen yesterday, it's a distant memory for me. So I feel a little bad I haven't blogged more lately (I've diagnosed myself with chronic cabin fever) because Carolyn is so funny I should be writing these things down because if it didn't happen in the last 25 words, it's a distant memory for me.

Like today, I said, "Carolyn, come here. I'm going to fix your hair."
She says, "I like it broken."

See. That's 4-year-old gold. Also, she calls me Mom now. And she says it really dramatically, like, "Right, Moooooommmmm."

Penelope is quite funny as well, but in a more visual kind of way.

Plus, I'm getting a gold tooth because I grind my teeth too badly to get a tooth that isn't bling.

Happy spring everybody.

Is that my daughter's Barbie in there?

It's 47 degrees outside right now which can mean only one thing — summer's here.

Well, it's sort of spring-like, so Carolyn and I tackled the biggest issues facing our backyard: the dog poop, the sticks and the log cabin. There was really nothing we could do about the mud so we were just thankful for rubber boots.

In the midst of the log cabin cleaning, we found everything in pretty bad shape. It has been a long and wet winter, even by Midwest standards, so we really haven't played in the backyard since last year. But even I was not prepared for the horror.





Oh the horror



I will say, at least it was Barbie, whose dimensions I secretly covet for my own post-children bod. And plus, Barbie's a fighter. I'm pretty sure with a good scrub, and maybe a haircut, she'll be good as new.

Maybe a little therepy as well.

It's movie night

In winter, we take what little pleasures we can get. Tonight — Snow White. It's kind of funny how much more violent story-telling was years ago.

Today at the library, I got some fairy tales because Carolyn has this new obsession with The Three Bears so I thought I'd introduce her to some of the other classics.

Did you know that modern-day Three Pigs story is actually a lot more gruesome. The wolf eats the first two pigs and ends up trapped in a boiling pot. And the kicker? The third pig eats him.

Ewww.

Our lives here in Normal are pretty blah right now. It's still cold, even 30s starting to feel like shorts weather. Today I asked the girls if they wanted to go for a walk around the block. No, they said.

But don't you like to go outside? No, they said. What about the playground?

"I like the playground when it's warm outside," Carolyn said.

Here, here sister. But spring is on the way. I can feel it.

Nieve

Last night, when I was in school (which, incidentally, I continue to take even though I didn't get into the nursing school and now I have all this studying to do for tests I don't really care if I pass, sigh), Steve got Carolyn to go to bed by telling her he needed to spread snow all over the world and it was going to take all night.

So when she woke up this morning, and found this...



... she was pretty happy. It's hard to imagine anybody happy about snow, but it's true.

Ah, who am I kidding?



I was pretty happy too.



Thanks snow-delivery Steve.

Here are Carolyn's 4-year-old pictures. For everyone who doesn't know, I take pics of the girls on their birthdays wearing the same grown-up dress. I didn't take Carolyn's "on" her birthday this year because of the stuffiness and the sick. But I did them today and they turned out great. They're probably my favorite pictures so far.

Here are a couple.

It's not just me

It seems, there are others ready for spring.

Winter stinks...

Actually, winter smells quite nice. People coming inside from frigid temperatures are covered in the most wonderful smell.
But that's not really the point.
The point is, I just can't stand the cold anymore. It's so cold, so often, that I just want to curl into a wine-soaked ball and sleep for the next four to six weeks. I just can't stand to look at the inside of my living room anymore. My kids are sick. I don't have a car. It takes 45 minutes to leave the house. Blah, blah, blah.
But Carolyn, bless her 4-year-old little heart, practically begged to go outside today. And she played for about 10 minutes. I can't even bring myself to get the trash together.
But she's back inside now, insisting that I'm captured. Gotta go...

Fantastic birthday

Carolyn had a lovely birthday, thank goodness. She was feeling much better so we went to the zoo during a break in the rain and when temps were in the upper 40s. We were the first people there, so the sea lions entertained us (presumably for fish we did not have, but we still appreciated their show) and a wallabee jumped right in front of us. It was great. In the afternoon, the weather turned and it was really yucky, so we felt lucky to get out while we did.
I also didn't take Carolyn's annual birthday pics (wearing the same grown up dress so we can compare ages 1 to 16) because I wanted to make sure a snotty picture wasn't part of the posterity. I think I'll do it tomorrow.
But I did take a few pictures. Here they are.

Crappy luck Saturday

Carolyn is in her room napping right now. It's the first nap she's taken in four months.
Why??? Because she's sick. And her fourth birthday is tomorrow and I am so sad.
That's because four is a very, very important birthday. It's the first birthday you really, really look forward to having. It could be the first you remember. Waiting for it definitely felt like a lifetime for Carolyn.
And now she's sick. What a super bummer of a Saturday, especially since it's really (relatively) nice outside today..
Well, I'll get a bunch of videos and books. We'll bake the prettiest cake possible and go get her favorite foods. We'll do the best we can.
And at least she's feeling very snuggly. At least she won't be able to say she didn't get enough hugs on her first most-important birthday.
sigh...

Rinnngggg

So Penelope loves the phone. Tonight while she was brushing her teeth, you was playing with her annoying little play phone.
The "caller" says, "Hi... Are you having fun?... It was great talking to you.... Bye."
So Penelope, who was in a heap of troubles today with the pushing and the toy stealing and the "umph"ing as she screams, "NO," was standing at the sink, nonchalantly brushing her teeth with one hand and holding the phone up to her ear with the other.
"Hi," the phone says.
Hi, Penny grumbles.
"Are you having fun?'
"NO," Penelope answers.

Yeah, Penny. Me either. Who said the terrible twos can't be maddening and hilarious, all at the same time.

I'm two. Do what I say, dammit

Penelope has embraced her two-ness. She can have a tantrum that gets everybody in the house involved. Today, she cried for he last 30 minutes before taking a nap. A woman driving past us as we walked Carolyn home from school took one look at us, felt immense pity and shook her head.
Not enough pity to offer a ride or anything, but enough for judging.
If only there were a term to describe Penelope's terrible two-ness. If only...
Anyhow, it gets easier and easier to ignore these episodes. I can totally tune out her screeches as she heaves blocks against the door of her room during punishment time.
Yesterday, I sent her to her room where she wailed and cried. I sat on the couch and picked up something to read.
About 30 seconds later, Carolyn came over to me.
"I love you mommy," she said kindly. "But could you go get Penny."
Sure honey, I told her, giving her a little hug. I realize not everybody is as callous as me.

Oh Mann....

Apparently, in the last week, we've become a Nick Jr. family. And in the infamous words of Swiper, the foxy nemesis of our beloved heroine Dora, "Oh Mann."

Busy, busy. But I always have time for my favorite Penelope moment. Today after nap, she was pretending to lay back down in her new favorite game, nap time. So I go into her room after a few minutes and here is what I find.

She's holding her blankie in one hand, and my credit card in the other, planning some sort of extravagant shopping trip for designer jeans or something. Seriously.

Carolyn is great. All she really wants is her supply of Nick Jr. magazines (see where we're going with this) and a steady supply of outside. I love that she doesn't care that it's 2 degrees. Girlfriend needs her fresh air.

In fact, I recently came across a Canadian playgroup that only meets outside. It's kind of their point. And their motto? There is no bad weather... Just bad clothing.

I love it. If I was the type of person that started playgroups, I'd totally start that one.

The most important person in my own mind

Life has a way of knocking me off my high horse. It kicks me right off, usually only moments after I get on.

Yesterday, I was feeling pretty good about myself. A national magazine gig. I had just received an advance copy of a book from a New York publishing house to review for my story. I was feeling pretty darn important.

Now, in case you didn't know, it's January. And, just in case you weren't aware, it's often very, very cold in January. This makes my non-driving lifestyle annoying at best, and often, it puts me on the border of child neglect as the girls and I trudge home through the snow in zero degree weather, Carolyn with a head of wet hair (which of course I cover with hat(s)). Anyhow, yesterday morning was especially cold so I decided to drive Carolyn to school (for the very first time and yes I know I picked her up the other day but picking up is not the same as dropping off) on my way to the office, aka coffeehouse.

We g0t there early and I nabbd a spot right in front. I was eager to do this because I believe, in my heart of hearts, that the other moms believe I'm an unlicensed drunken driver. They have minivans. I have a nearly broken-down stroller. They perceive something to be amiss.

When I came back out, low and behold, the car won't start. Now, our car is a big gold car that used to be a cop car. It's quirky, to put it mildly. This not starting has happened before and it has weird rules, like if you get out of the car and try again, it'll start. And you usually have to wait 15 minutes. And it's more likely to start with the automatic starter.

I realize none of this makes any sense, but trust me, it's all completely true.

So not only do I have to sit in my big gold car as the early parents leave, I have to see all the late parents come and go as I sit in my big gold (very chilly) car pretending to talk on my cell phone.

And now, they all have a new reason to think I'm weird. Excellent.

The best part is, I walked home because I had bunches of work to do. Steve walked up to the car and started it right away.

Once again, I proved that while I look OK on paper (New York editors think I'm equipped to write stories for their magazine) I fail miserably at real life (moms avoid eye contact with me as we pass in the hall).

Eh... I'll take that.

Totally whiny blog

My day has been painfully annoying. I decided, due to the snow last night and Neighbors Without Shovels Who Don't Believe Pedestrians Deserve Clear Sidewalks (otherwise known as NWSWDBPDCS... I guess they don't believe in vowels either) I decided to drive the car to pick up Carolyn from school. Getting the girls in and out of the carseats, seeing my house from my parking spot and the cars speeding up and down this narrow street all lent themselves to the irritation of this experience.

When we got home, Carolyn tried to teach Penelope to use the potty. Since I'm not having any luck, I say great. Maybe that's what potty training needs — more 3-year-olds.

I'd write more, or more often, but my life is pretty full right now. No time for idle observations. Today, for instance, Carolyn had preschool, she went out to play in the snow this morning, I shoveled the drive (oh, if I only had a sidewalk), I made some calls, we made a mess in the kitchen, we took Steve to work today, I'm baking my two-day rustic bread and making tomato soup for dinner, we have story time this evening, I need to study/work/do Washington Post crossword puzzle and maybe get Steve from work and did I mention the kitchen is a mess.

Did you notice how many idle observations I made there...

And tomorrow... Well, let's just see how we get wet-headed Carolyn home from the pool with snowy sidewalks. It's called a shovel people. Use it.

It's been a blue January

Blue as in cold. Blue as in cabin feverish. Blue as in blue.

Yes, of course I'm neglecting this blog. I'm far too busy complaining about how it's impossible to go anywhere or do anything in this kind of cold. Of course, we do have activities Monday through Thursday... night activities Monday through Wednesday... oh, and movie nights on Friday. But what about the playground? Long sunny walks? Bike rides across town just because?

Not today, or tomorrow. Instead, we did a project. We painted Carolyn's room the most lovely shade of blue. For anybody worried about Carolyn's involvement, we used no VOC paint.

A farm to remember

What a week we had! Seriously, we went from a foot of snow to no coats — overnight. The girls took to the farm like stink to a pig (I'm not sure what this means, but I love it) and it felt so nice to let them wander the empty fields alone for a little while, something that's impossible in today's world of gigantic cars, destination parks and no sidewalks.

No chance of being run over and getting back to nature. Now that's a vacation.

I love the farm. After just a day there alone, I started thinking, "I could do this. This life, this is what I was cut out for. I'd have a full acre vegetable garden. I'd get chickens." I told Steve that we should start planning what farmers markets we'd attend.

Steve then pointed out I'd been taking pictures of old wooden posts for about an hour, presumably thinking, "how quaint" as I tromped through the field with Carolyn on my heels. In 50 degree weather... In January... With two horses. Probably not the best indicator of my farming talents.

That's city folk for ya.

For instance, we have this:



Oh, the simple beauty of a manure spreader wheel. At least I think it's a manure spreader.



Oh, feed barrels. What stories you could tell!

But I really feel like these last two get to the heart of the matter. The girls are so cute in rain boots, looking up at horses.

Let it snow, and stay

Here's a video, showing both my athletic prowess, and how much snow there is in Michigan. Oh, and Carolyn yelling, "Go faster mommy."

Another Christmas ended

So the family and I had a fine day. We opened all the presents in the morning, including from Julia's gifts that arrived TODAY, and enjoyed playing and cleaning. Then we went to Chinese buffet for lunch, where I ate my weight in sushi and Steve ate an octopus. We tried to get Penny to eat a crawfish, but she kept moving it off the plate saying, "bug."
Later, we went for a walk and enjoyed some whiskey one of Steve's workers got for him. The we watched "Looney Tunes," a gift from Aunt Sandy to the girls, but really, a gift for me.
Here are some pics from today.
This is a totally cool "My Mom's Tote" bag. Steve said it's his favorite because he could see Carolyn playing with it quietly, for like an hour. Babysitting capacity — The true mark of a great toy.

This letter train spells "Gardner." Isn't that cool...

My Christmas girls


Bunny love.

Mmmmm. Bug.

Steve bought me a whole case of Estee Lauder makeup, so I made myself up to look like a French whore to go to the Chinese buffet. See how pretty.