Full circle

I feel like I've come a long way in the last couple of years. I started running and finished my first half marathon. I reconnected with the Catholic church and have made it a part of my family's life. I put in motion a plan to attend a one-year accelerated nursing program, completed said program and went ahead and got the job I wanted.

I even added five letters behind my name because Christine Gardner RN-BSN sounds so much better than plain-old Chris.

All these accomplishments have come with a certain level of self confidence, a trait I do not naturally possess. So I find it sort of funny that I continue to be a socially awkward, baffoonish-type mom with a stutter when I am surround by other moms. I think I'm a fairly adequate mother, just not a very good in the mom circles.

Take last week. I was having a particularly low moment of self confidence when I got an e-mail about an after-school playdate with Penny's classmates. These moms, in particular, are the sort of go-getter Stay At Home sorts that organize stuff. They organize lots and lots of stuff and they seem to all get along. I'm sort of on the outside, in large part, because I haven't been around a lot of the year. But also, I haven't made an effort because they frighten and intimidate me.

So on this particularly bad day, I decided to forward the message to Steve and ask him if I should go to this outing (even though I had other plans) because I'm a shitty mom and I need to try harder and blah, blah, blah.

Only I didn't forward. I replied.

That is a horrible feeling. Realizing a minute too late that you have sent an un-retrievable message. So I speedy quick send a very light apology.

But I never heard back, which made me feel extra bad.

So today, I tried to make amends. The woman I was certain had sent the e-mail said, No... It wasn't her. Maybe it was one of two other women. One of them said no. The other said no as I blabbered on and on about how it was a mistake and then said the word bitchy in front of like 10 children.

Then I slowly backed away and left. It probably didn't help that it's five months after the start of school I still don't know anybody's name.

I told Steve that maybe these people were just not meant to be my friends. Maybe fate was not allowing this to happen. Maybe I would try extra hard next year.

Then he reminded me that after my stellar performance in the last week, perhaps it wasn't my decision anymore.

Road to NCLEX

Jan. 2010: First week of nursing school. I can do this. I'm just as smart as these others students. I can do this! What??? Test??? What test???

March 2010, and again in June, August, September, etc.: Oh good. Practice tests. And you say I'm not being graded? And tests, and tests, and tests.

September 2010: Finally, the last session of school begins. This NCLEX guru teaches my critical care clinical. I spend lots of time learning the side effects of various antibiotics and contemplating the disease processes of the heart and kidneys. She is very smart but she scares the shit out of me. She lays in wait, pouncing on unsuspecting students, launching impossible questions she knows we can't answer. Also, she just starts singing randomly and I find this to be disconcerting.

November 2010: I decided at this point I will not take the NCLEX review class (aka... Kaplan) if I pass the pre-test (yes, another test) that determines if I will pass NCLEX with 97 percent certainty. Kaplan is $400 and begins the day after finals a week before Christmas. I feel guilty, but no thank you.
I am alone in this philosophy and the smartest kids in class sign up for Kaplan weeks ahead of the pre-test. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me.

December 2010: I easily passed pre-test and was one of five students who decided not to take Kaplan. I bought a test bank of questions to practice and hoped I had not made a huge mistake. I hope this every day for the next month. I tell the NCLEX guru that I'm not taking Kaplan, which she teaches, and she sort of shrugs and implies, "Well. If you think you can pass on your own..." Then she starts to sing.

Dec. 17, 2010: Graduation. Many students remark that Kaplan is awesome and they are so glad they took it. That's fantastic, I tell them.

Late December: I bought a NCLEX app for the iPod. I borrowed a Kaplan book from the library. I painted my living room. My new boss calls and says, "What do you mean you didn't take Kaplan!!!!"

January 2011: I return from the best vacation of my life and start studying, for real this time, for NCLEX ... sorta. I was still waiting for "permission to test" letter. Then I received it and made my test date for one week later. One week and 250 miles later.
So the real studying had finally begun. I had a plan. I was focused and I was ready.

Monday: Carolyn was sick so she stayed home. My last minute plans of catching up on my weak spots fell apart and I even lost electricity and needed an electrician. Everything that could go wrong was going wrong.

And in my twisted, tired mind, I believed these were omens instructing me not to take the test. Failure was imminent.

Tuesday: After losing internet access, I told Steve to cancel my testing appointment. I regain computer access 10 minutes later and re-enrolled for the same test. I did this all without even the slightest break in sobbing. The girls were very unsure of how to deal with this turn of events and eventually became sick of it, asking ,"Why are you crying? Are you going to stop soon?"

Wednesday (testing day): My eyes were swollen for two days after my massive breakdown. Thankfully, I spent all day Wednesday either driving or testing, so I didn't really see many people. The nursing student working at Panera looked like she felt sorry for me, but I was too nervous for chit chat. I was so nervous that I was shocked when I started testing and actually knew some of the answers. Then...

PASS.

I took the minimum number of questions (75) and finished in two hours. Easy like sleazy. So after all the uncertainty, all the doubts and all the tears, I completed the biggest test of my life with very few problems. Well, except for four weeks of paranoid terror. But other than that, it very uneventful.

Thursday: The day after the test, I came down with a horrible cold that seemed to burst out like it had been holding back for weeks. So I laid on the couch and watched old movies with abandon and then I took a 2 hour nap... because I could.
So now on to the next chapter. A chapter free of tests, but full of the possibility I could kill somebody. Ahhh... No more tests.....

Once a writer

I always had this crazy habit as a writer in that I like to write out loud. I like to talk my thoughts out as I write them down and it's always helped me in organizing sentences and creating tone.

The problem is, I've started doing this in test taking. In prepping for my NCLEX test, which is in the near future (although I'm superstitiously not revealing the exact day), I have started working through problems verbally. I'm fairly certain this will be frowned upon on testing day.

To correct it, I'm thinking about just mouthing my thoughts during my upcoming practice exam. Sure, I might look insane. But it won't be the first (or presumably the last) time.

On a completely different topic, I've decided to cure Carolyn of her forgetfulness. To this, Steve hung his head and said, "Oh no..." He believes this to be a fruitless endeavor, but I think I can do it. More on this failed endeavor in the future.

DISNEY!!!

I'm not certain if it's because I just finished one of the most challenging years of my life. Or maybe the stars are aligned. Or maybe it's because 37 is the best year of a person's life.

But my trip to Disney World was... and I realize how clique this sounds... truly magical.

To begin, Steve planned everything. Every detail. And in doing so, he landed us, not one, but two rooms at the Waldorf Astoria, the only existing model of the famous NYC hotel. And not just two rooms. But one room and one suite. So two bedrooms, a living room and a kitchen. With a balcony view of the fireworks at night. It was luxurious beyond my expectations. And they had the best breakfast I've ever eaten.


And then there were the children. If I ever write an Orlando guidebook, I will forever insist that 5 and 6 are the perfect age to take children to Disney. There is... here I go again... a certain magic they see that does not exist in everyday life that is readily available at Disney. And I'm not naive. I understand it's manufactured, which is sort of why I've always been (sort of) anti-Disney. But even I got weepy at the fireworks display.


And then there was the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in a Disney parade. The only parade that invites guest. And they only ask about 7 or 8 families a day. By far, the girls' least favorite part. But having hundreds and hundred of people wave at you is a real experience. I could probably write a whole separate blog about how we were targeted for our multi-ethnic appearance, but I'll refrain.

And then, and this is the main "and then," there was my family. It just so worked out that Carolyn likes roller coasters. And who knew? Me too! We rode Space Mountain three times. Mt. Everest Expedition twice. Thunder Mountain. And this left lots of time for Penny and Steve to catch parades, get stalked by Disney photographers and meet lots of characters.

We rode every ride we wanted. Packed lunches so we didn't have to eat crappy, overpriced Disney food. Caught the bus at just the right time on all but one occasion. Met all the characters. Did I mention the girls love Disney characters?





It was the trip where everything went right. Even the flight through Atlanta, mere hours before an ice storm stranded the flight behind us. So thanks Disney. We'll probably never do it again, but it was one magical experience. I'll stop now.

We must protect this house!

Well, I vowed to blog more, so here it is. I started the day with a 4-mile jog in 20 degrees. Brrr... But I have to say, running in that weather sort of makes me feel like a real bad ass. And that is a fine attitude for this time of year when I'm studying for NCLEX. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Yesterday, in true "Me" style, I was asleep before midnight. But I did take the kids to the Children's Museum for a New Year's countdown at noon. I thought, "this should be fun." So did 1,057 other people. It was a wee bit crowded and annoying.

I kept losing the girls because they're not used to it being so busy and they just kind of wandered off. And I had this constant feeling I was being exposed to sickness. I could only take 90 minutes before I was like, "HOME!!! NOW!!!" Maybe it's good training for Disney, which we leave for in five days. Woohoo.

Well, I'm off to sit in front of the television. God bless New Year's Day. It's even more awesome when you're not hung over.

A new year

2010 was a good year. But it's ending and I'm ready for 2011. I don't have much in mind this year for resolutions, but here are a few:

1. Pass NCLEX!!!! A must-do.
2. Join a gym and train for at least 1 half marathon. Maybe two. Yes, let's say two.
3. Lose at least 10 pounds. I need to lose 20, but I'll take 10. Also, drink one glass of milk every day.
4. Try to read the entire A section of the paper every day.
5. Blog more, Facebook less.
6. Be more patient with Carolyn.
7. Go to the dentist once this year and floss daily.
8. Get more involved in either church or the schools. Volunteer more.
9. Join a CSA this summer.
10. Try and be a more loving wife. After this last year, Lord knows, Steve deserves it.

I think that's it. Not as comprehensive as two years ago, but definitely better than last year when my only two goals were to pass school and not go crazy. I guess one out of two ain't bad!

I changed my mind

I don't want to be a nurse. I want to be home with my kids. I want it to be winter. I want to cook for them and play games with them.

Oh yeah, and I want them to never grow any older.

That's how good this break has been. We sleep in. We watch movies. We hang out with friends. It's like every day is better than the last. This has been quite the year.

I haven't blogged lately, so let me catch up. I graduated from nursing school. My family was here to see it, including my in-laws and my awesome nephew Jeremiah. I made a little speech at graduation, and some people even laughed, so that was nice. Christmas was amazing, with Santa bring Disney tickets. And Steve was awarded Employee of the Year! What??? I'm not sure how he even made it to work.

Without a doubt, this is the happiest I've ever been in my whole miserable life. So freezing time sort of feels like the thing to do.

But if freezing time doesn't work, why not try sledding, because that's pretty awesome too.



I think I'll post some resolutions tomorrow. I like to post them on the off chance someone reads them and is like, "So... did you lose that 30 pounds you said you were going to lose?!?" It keeps me honest.

The Final Countdown

In less than 48 hours, I will be finished with school. Just two more finals and I ... am... done.

I really have nothing else to say right now. That pretty much sums it up.

"I don't feel 5."

That's my Penny. She still feels the youthful exuberance of 4. The quiet wisdom of an added year has not yet hit my sweet daughter.

We had a lovely time on her birthday this year. McDonalds. A new Nintendo DS. A cake made with a pound and a half of butter. All good things. And not to make this all about me or anything, but this was the last day of my 10-day vacation and it was awesome!

So here are some birthday pics of Penny. In case you wander across this lonely island of a blog, I take pics of my girls every year on their birthdays wearing dresses I once wore, to watch them grow into them. And here is my new 5-year-old daughter, who still feels like she's merely 4.

Employment

Getting a nursing job is the easiest job I've ever gotten. I don't graduate for another !!!!3 weeks!!! and I won't start until February, but it's decided. And during a time when nursing jobs are not as plentiful as you might think. But I guess they're plentiful enough.

I'll be working on a surgical ward that is pretty much the hospital's equivalent of a newspaper's general assignment reporter. This is good because I think being a general assignment reporter is a great way to learn how to become a reporter. Sure, you can specialize in cops or sports or features right away, but if you don't do GA, you never learn what you really love. Or... what you're really good at.

But that's where the similarities between nursing and journalism job hunts ends. Nursing jobs are much more plentiful than the journalism job market of 10 years ago, and for that I am thankful.

So now I've moved on to another phase. It's the phase absent of motivation and drive. And I have a week off so this phase is also highlighted with excessive amounts of wine. Today, I picked up Penny and pretty much hung around the house all day. Then I called Steve and told him I think we should go out to eat. We let Carolyn decide, since she had a rockin' report card Friday, and she immediately yelled out "Chinese buffet."

It's too bad I have a paper to write this week, because I feel sorry for my classmates but I just don't see it being all that great. Sorry classmates, but I have a job and now I am obligated to progress to the next level where I rest on my laurels for at least a day or two.

Or three. Or four...

The job hunt

Well, it's really more of a browsing. In a very small store. With only two items. But still, it's job time.

And that's because school time is almost over. After tomorrow, I'll have just three weeks of classes left. THREE WEEKS!!!!! And in three weeks, I will have earned 62 credits. That's crazy, but oh so real.

This week I had two job interviews at my hospital of choice. When there's only two items in the store, one usually sort of stands out. The first interview was on a surgical unit. They see ortho cases, hysterectomies, gall bladder removals, and stuff like that. It has a really great manager and is the sort of place where you learn lots of stuff. It is where I originally planned on working.

Then I interviewed on the CVCU, or cardiovascular care unit. It's exactly like it sounds. Hearts. Hearts. Hearts. It also has a great manager but was not where I expected to work right out of school. It's very specialized.

So I've decided.... Well, nothing for sure yet. Both seem very interested and I'm leaning toward CVCU for a couple of reasons. The first is I loved the manager and her description of the floor. It seemed fast paced and interesting. The second is the hours, which are just slightly better than surgical.

But mainly, it's because it poses a huge challenge for me and I hate to see a challenge not met. The heart is such a specific organ, but we know so much about it and have all these ways to fix it. And yet, it's still our biggest health issue. And this will give me the sort of critical care experience I wanted three years from now, but today.

So in an attempt to not talk myself out of it, I've been obsessively calling the director for about a day now. I left a message this morning, but on my way out the door just now, I decided to try one more time. And, of course, she was there. And, of course, she said she'd call me right back. So I'm basically blogging to fill the time.

And still no call. C'mon lady. I'd hate to see this as a sign.

Big kids

My kids are getting so old. They are totally like little people now. Carolyn says things all the time that she picks up at school that are hilarious. And Penny... Well, Penny is just her own kind of girl. Very theatrical.

Yesterday, we took them to the ISU football game. It was family weekend. Usually, that means college kids bringing their parents to campus. But for me, it meant bringing my kids to campus. We rode our bikes downtown for lunch and then to the game. It was super fun.

Penny said she wants to be a football player so (and this is totally a quote), "So I can kill all the white guys." I should probably mention the other team had white uniforms, just so you don't think we're horrible people.

And the people behind us were grandparents who were missing their grandkids (who live a couple of hours away) very much. So they decided to dote on ours, which was super nice. They gave them extra popcorn and red licorice.

It was a fun, sunny, fall day. Totally fun.

Six weeks

I don't blog anymore because... well... I'm not so sure. I have senioritis big time, but this session is actually quite a bit easier than the last nine months. And just five more weeks of classes. I feel sort of weird about everything. I should be excited, but I'm not. I should continue trying to learn, but I'm lacking any semblance of motivation. I should study for my test, but instead, I'll drink wine and watch football. I've run exactly one time this week.

And that pretty much sums it up right now.

But here are some Halloween pics to show you I'm not completely ignoring the children. Some of them are from tonight, including with the neighbor kids who we hung out with tonight (super fun!). But some are from last weekend when I took them to the haunted trail. See what a great parent I am : )

Fall fun

This poor blog. No longer am I cleverly finding new and improved methods of self deprecation. Now, I'm merely complaining, freaking out, yelling at my kids, complaining and then patting myself on the back for doing such a bang up job in nursing school.

To remedy the poor quality (and quantity) of this blog as of late, here are some pictures from the last few weekends. Because, though you might not know it, we still have children and interact with them, somewhat.

For instance, yesterday we took the girls to a fun run at IWU. After, we enjoyed some bouncy houses and face painting.




We went to the Children's Museum a couple of times. Incidentally, it was voted as the best children's experience in Illinois and featured on the Travel Channel, in case any of our parent friends feel up for a road trip.


We went to a nearby Fall Festival at the ISU gardens. This is also a pretty cool, very free, attraction that is surprisingly nice and fun. Penny's preschool class made that scarecrow, btw.


So you can see, we are having fun. At least on the weekends we are!

School troubles

I have school troubles. Not my school. The girls' schools.

In case I haven't outlined this, let me do so now. Carolyn goes to the local elementary school. It's considered "bad" in this district, which is another way of saying both poor and black children attend. We had a pretty good experience there last year but aren't thrilled. Carolyn seems to be doing very well in her reading and math, so we don't worry about it too much.

Penny, on the other hand, was accepted to the Illinois State U. lab school. This is a public school run by the university, so it has lots of extra perks. Extra teachers. Extra money. Extra involved parents (you need to apply to be accepted, which weeds out a bunch of lazy bones right off the bat).

So Penny, my extra talkative preschooler, is attending this school with like nine teachers, access to an iPad and a pool. Not only is she the most popular kid in school, she shares her day with us pretty much minute by minute. In addition, she has very open teachers who blog once a week, send tons of information home, take pictures of the kids and make books for the parents to look through and generally have an open door policy. Penny is doing great and we are very happy there.

On the other hand is Carolyn. I have NO IDEA what school is like for her. She shares nothing. She doesn't talk about her friends. She can't remember what she had for lunch. Nothing. Her teacher shares very, very little. She doesn't blog or send home updates. I get a spelling list at the beginning of the week and that's pretty much it. Carolyn and I struggled all week to talk about her science lesson, which we finally figured out tonight.

So I did something very unlike me and I e-mailed her teacher. I just told her my concern that Carolyn was having problems, maybe socially, adjusting to school this year. She's really doing great at the reading and writing, so I figured it must be social.

And that's pretty much where I stand. Because I haven't heard back from her. And I still have no idea what's going on with Carolyn. Penny, (again) on the other hand, is doing great, according to the parent-teacher conference I had with her teacher today. Of course.

So, our family is indeed undertaking a very interesting experiment of what happens when one kid goes to a shitty school and the other one goes to an awesome school. Not exactly what I had in mind initially.

Better now

Sometimes the thought of school is much worse than school itself. I guess that sort of goes for life. The new job. The new friend. The new hobby. Sometimes these things can be scary.

Or maybe it's just me. It's probably me.

Anyway, this session of school is amazing. It's the best content of the year with lots of very in-depth information about critical care. It has the best clinicals, with experience in critical care and actually working on the floor I where I want to work (I even applied!). It has far less busy work than the last two session and only two classes, so many fewer exams.

And I have the most amazing teachers this session. OK. I'll stop now.

But it's very exciting to start working on this session, start preparing for boards and start thinking about a job as an RN. I'M GOING TO BE AN RN IN 11 WEEKS!!!

So there's lots to be happy about, if I had time for happy. In between the girls' two schools, their activities like ballet and CCD, parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments, exercise (hahaha), school picnics, cooking dinner, talking to my husband, blah blah blah, there's very little time for silly things like feeling stuff. So don't go expecting Christmas cards this year.

But I've very happy to be back in school for this last session.

Session 3: OVER....

When I think back on this year, I'll remember session 2 as the hardest session in nursing school, but session 3 was definitely the biggest pain in the ass. It just seemed impossible to catch up, the clinicals were far away and at weird hours and we had these massive four-hour lectures.

But it's over... And I had five days off in a row that felt like about 15 minutes. And then... back to school.

Ugh. I just don't feel like going back to school. I feel like going to bed. I'm just not sure I can learn much more. My tiny brain just can't take it. And with the kids back in school, we are so busy all the time with activities and school schedules. But, I'm sure I'll get through the next 12 weeks somehow.

Now, that's a depressing blog. But that's really all I have for now.

School on ADD

As I was basking in the awesomeness of the weekend, whistling away, the guy who sits next to me in class starts laughing.

Turns out, he likes me when I'm in a good mood

And not so much when I'm not.

I had completely forgotten about last week, when I was a malcontent who oozed grumpiness and dissatisfaction with life. It was a very, very bad week and I was not afraid to spread my negativity to those around me.

So it's sort of nice that I have the attention of a fruit fly. It's much nicer to think that I'm always this happy, even when the guy sitting next to me knows the truth.

I didn't even have to use my AK

It for sure was a good day. Good weekend actually. Good two weekends.

For one: It was my birthday weekend. Love it. I love having Labor Day weekend and my birthday fall at the same time. Since I don't really feel the need to honor labor unions, it sort of frees up the weekend for more fun stuff. Like beer.
Oh and fun afternoon stuff like bike rides to the farmer's market and lunch on campus. And a new bike basket that totally rocks.


Two: Quick trip to Chicago. It was lots of fun heading to Chicago, mostly so I could go to Ikea. I'm not sure why I love that store so much. Sort of makes me feel like I'm in another country. I swear, I saw a guy in sub-saharan African attire loading boxes into his Sedan. It is a very diverse crowd. Oh... And I also love Cheesecake Factory. And hotels. And big, pink flowers from H&M.


Three: School. It's actually sort of winding down right now and my heart isn't really in it. I try to stay focused, but it's hard with so much fun to be had. But yeah for me... My class voted me to speak at the graduation thingy at the end of the year. Probably not the biggest deal in the world. After all, there are only 25 of us. But I sort of feel awesome that Carolyn and Penny get to hear me speak at the ceremony. I think it will really help them wrap their heads around the year.

And hopefully, I won't sound like a jackass.

A quick blog for a quick trip

I don't blog much because I find facebook so much faster and much better with the instant gratification. Also, not much is happening. I finished clinicals and going into my last session in a few weeks. Next? The job search. The girls started school, which is something big, I guess. Last week was so crazy I just didn't have time to process it much less blog about it.

Short version... Penny is at the fancy-shmancy university school run by ISU. She's in preschool, which we pay for, but she's guaranteed a spot in the regular school, which is free. It's very fancy, which swimming lessons during school and lots of activities.

Carolyn is still at her ghetto school, which I sort of love. I LOVE her teacher and everything seems to be going along great this year. She's joining the Daisy's (an arm of girl scouts) this year and she's really good at math.

So, I'm blogging to post some pictures to our quick trip to Chicago. Well, not really Chicago, but a consumer version of it. We went to the suburbs to go to Ikea, the fancy mall, the Lego museum and the Cheesecake Factory. And yes... of course I'm embarrassed by the nature of this buy, buy, buy trip, but I also had a great time at Ikea, so that made me feel a little better.

Here's the pics before I dig my hole a little deeper.