This really is a simple-to-follow plan for anybody who thinks their 5-year-old has lived in the innocence of childhood long enough and needs to begin learning the harsh realities of life.
1. Show your child a dead squirrel in the middle of the road with its brains splashed out all over the place. Say that could happen to her if she were hit by a car, although she's been trained from birth never to run into the street and has never violated this cardinal rule.
2. When she begins to ask very difficult questions (i.e. will the squirrel become undead, what will happen now, what about its little squirrel family) allow yourself to get deeper and deeper into the philosophy of death and its finality.
3. When you let your children watch Saturday morning cartoons in the basement while you watch an old movie upstairs, don't bother to check what comes on after CareBears. Even when your 5-year-old's baby sister comes upstairs, just assume everything is totally fine and don't worry that an infomercial about cleft lip might be frightening your little girl very, very badly. I'd like to extend a special thanks network TV for this. I don't know why we don't rely on you more often.
After this, your child should be sufficiently afraid of pretty much everything. While you watch the end of your movie, which just might be the 1977 Jane Fonda film, "Julia," she should hear Jane Fonda get a little panicky about babies in a bakery and just assume the French baguettes the baker is holding are baby legs.
This is the end of your lesson on how to scare the shit out of your 5-year-old. I hope it helps.
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